Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries Consider that according to Carl Sagan, there are more stars in our universe than there are grains of sand on al the beaches on all of planet Earth. Not a small number, perhaps nearly incalculable. Consider the immense number of chemical and particle conglomerations and collisions, fissions and fusions, and timespace manifestoes that were written in our particular brane or string that led us to this moment. Oof. Ponder that shite, and have a sandwich. There’s still an infinity left to deal with. Breathe deep like Vishnu.

♉ Taurus  Some people thrive on other people telling them what to do and how to do it. Run faster, work harder, be more self critical, don’t ever stop feeling like you’re being chased by wolves at a full moon’s pace, NO MERCY! But what if your inner coach were less ballistic? Be more munificent! Grow larger of spirit and better at your game! Go at your own pace and find the groove! Nah, that would never help. Forget I said anything. I’ll just go. Or maybe give it a shot. Whatevs. 

♊ Gemini  Recently, someone broke into a remote Italian church and stole the Pope’s blood. Seriously. Apparently some weird priest thing—anyhoo, John Paul II is soon to be sainthooded—(that can’t be right…), and of course, saint blood is way more valuable than pope blood. Somebody is getting rich off pope blood. Similar weirdness is hot from the oven and about to hit your plate, and thence your pate. I suggest you ready the weird part of your brain for some exercise. The upcoming timeline is bizarro cool. 

♋ Cancer  You crabs make great metaphors. Us human types spend a great deal of time in trying to preserve the past--and the present. The less the environment changes in wild swings, the more stable our lives, hence a more path to an enlightened existence. Like crabs living off tide pools, if there were smaller tides there’d be more chance for development. But we have a large moon and a girthy tidal bulge, causing crab chaos planet-wide. The earth keeps shifting and tilting. Point your pelvis towards the motion of the ocean and learn to hula.

♌ Leo  You should do a Google image search for the clouded leopard. He is one sassy looking mammajamma, and he is your power feline of the week. The clouded leopard is the closest living thing to a saber tooth tiger because of his extra long incisors, and it’s so powerful it can hang upside down from back paws. Maybe even get a tattoo, and put it somewhere that radiates power—find your favorite chakra. It will give you power and protect you. Be the king of the jungle for a while—it’s nice. It’s time to put on your inner and too oft repressed sexy beast. Kitty wants to play.

♍ Virgo  Hic sunt dracones is Latin for here be dragons, and it was used on many an ancient map to indicate unknown seas and what they might portend. And it is into these uncharted waters that your ship of possible fools and Argonauts is nigh to set sail. Yet fret nary and not, for dragons are oft misunderstood creatures who would prefer anonymity and quiet recesstitude to naval battles caused by man’s hubris and need for the top of the food chain to be a singular one. In upcoming future oceanic or space travel, remember: Here be dragons, and fellow sentient travelers. Tread lightly.

♎ Libra  You may be about to hit upon Ernest Hemingway’s iceberg theory. The idea that only one eighth of an iceberg is above water, and the rest lies hidden for only the bravest or clumsiest souls to discover. Hemingway believed that by omitting certain parts of a story allowed the reader find their own personal meaning shining through from great depths of darkness and an author’s sometimes pointless one dimensional repartee. Grab your ice axe, and keep an eye out for hidden treasure ‘neath the roiling rolling seas.

♏ Scorpio  Panem et circenses have been occupying your Wall St. during the recent time of the roving astrological mountain goat this past January. But it’s time for the emperor to remove his clothes and get down to some Aquarian business. This Latin phrase literally means bread and circuses, which is all a leader has to provide in order to sway the public’s attention from more important matters. However, no more empty gluten and no more maligned imprisoned pachyderms in the name of entertainment. No more bullshite…at least for now. Trifles and sundries will return in spring when our hearts are apt to fill with such delights. Get naked and deal with the real.

♐ Sagittarius  Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges probably does reflect the ever present state of society, but instead let’s apply this Latin phrase to your inner governing body. Literally: when the republic is at its most corrupt the laws are most numerous. Should one remove all laws and officious dolts from power in order to free the presses and release the hounds of personal liberty? Some laws make great sense—especially those of thermodynamics. Destroy the system and your own psychological structure may collapse. I say, keep the good ones, repeal the bad ones, striking them from the record book of your heart and free your soul.

♑ Capricorn To achieve spiritual union with whatever god is, for a time, attempt to cease contemplation, and usurp the ideas writ in the text of The Cloud of Unknowing, an anonymous mystical work from the 14^th century. god cannot be reached through intellect, rather intellect is an evolutionary gift aimed at survival. Unknowing what you believe or think you know may be a first step into a larger consciousness. Before you are, from whence you think, feel and therefore un-know god. Abandon ye all hope that brains will shed light on the un-knowable. Un-think, and un-fetter all access to the divine.

Aquarius ♒ Usually the phrase ‘What about me??’ is neither welcome, nor justified. However, it’s our birthday time, the sun is literally being backed up by a chorus of Aquarian stars. So, all those desires and passions, yens and yearnings need now be called on. This is not permission to get whiny—but it is a time to repeal the prohibitions and sanctions imposed by an at times irrational governing body and mind. Whip it out, shine it up and use your soul to make love to what is usually verboten. What about me, indeed? Happy birthday, us, and enjoy today’s once a year new moon in our sign.

♓ Pisces Humans have been processing fish since Neolithic times. It’s true. Fish are yummy and in general, easy to catch. The same cannot be said of your fish oiled soul. And while you are yummy--You, the great net evader, occasional rock bottom dweller, master of underwater phosphorescence and depth acclimation are no easy catch. You bob and weave with the whole ocean sloshing around you, never really stopping, even in the calmest of waters. Swim on, you crazy diamond. The answers await you in the next wave.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries -‘Exit pursued by a bear’ is your power literary reference for the week. Here’s a quick summation of possible outcomes: 1) at random you will be attacked by a bear and chased offstage, 2) the bear is metaphorical and representative of a heretofore undisclosed to the conscious mind--fear that lies unconquered in your subconscious reptile brain possibly requiring righteous vengeance, if there is such a thing, or 3) there is no bear at all, and it’s nothing more than a ham-fisted plot device and something arguably less than a universe where every energetic interaction has a purpose no matter how seemingly inconsequential and small. I say, find your bear, don’t jive talk him--- but don’t run.

♉ Taurus - Annie Edison Taylor was the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. Gertrude Ederle was the first woman to swim across the English Channel. Junko Tabei was the first woman to scale Everest. Sally Ride---first woman in space. My point to you Taurii is that regardless of your current genital situation, this is an excellent time to be the first at something unbelievable. So unbelievable in fact, that you may have to do it a second time in front of a witness for anyone to believe it. To save yourself the time, set up a camera and record your upcoming first. Maybe you’ll finally clean the bathroom. Maybe you’ll be the first person on Mars, the truth lying hopefully between those two poles. Dream big. Go bold. Grab cleaning supplies. And put on your scrubbin’ pants!

♊ Gemini - I know that World Sauntering Day---a real thing btw, isn’t til June 19^th, but dammit, your life is on cruise control down easy street, your future’s so bright it’s kind of annoying, and your mouth is writing checks that your ass can indeed cash, so much so that I recommend you put on your best pants, trousers, clam diggers, jodhpurs, knickerbockers, hammer or parachute pants, and/or hip waders or huggers and go for one hell of an amazing saunter. Saunter your ass off. You’ve earned it. Enjoy the winds of good fortune that are at your back. And don’t be alarmed if you hear passersby’s say things like--I like your ass, can I wear it as a hat? Happy birthday.

♋ Cancer - Your dazed meandering in the Wakhan Corridor is nigh at an end, a zenith, an apex, pinnacle and jumping off point for the next weird and woolly chapter in what should prove to be your riveting bio pic. I’m referring of course to a stretch of land in northern Afghanistan that served as an arbitrary geographic border betwixt the warring powers of Britain and Russia during the period known as the Great Game—basically the Cold War of the 1800’s that lasted about twice as long as its 2oth century counterpart. It is mountainous and difficult terrain and while you’ve ambled and sashayed your way through it admirably, it’s time to cross the Hindu Kush and find new ground. Rebirth Indian style awaits. Namaste.

♌ Leo - Whilst I pondered your ‘scope this week, I pictured you somewhere on the Amalfi coast, around dusk, sipping some neat hard to pronounce Italian liqueur, watching fireflies dance out ancient rituals for your pleasure, while you ponder the nature of ritual, and behavior, and hence belief. Wait. Cough. Horseshit. Cough. Delusion. Truth does not exist. Cough. Excuse me, I’ve got some bullshit up my snout. Where were we? Oh yes…belief, which I posit to be a very handy genetic trait. I believe I exist and therefore I might actually be. Yay for me. And us, the collective we, those we share belief with, like yeah I also agree to stop at red and go on green. Reversing that would be dangerous. Shite. This is part of a larger conversation. For now, let’s have a sandwich and get organized.

♍ Virgo – Orison--as in an attempt to contact a deity directly, as in prayer or ritual sacrifice or some -ism in between…is the only reason I am not a full blown atheist. For example, Kraknor the Babylonian God of Poop, is not a figure that I believe exists in real time---However, the object of the orison is not the point. The question is: can we affect the physical timespace we exist in by the power of desire and/or thought? Even if we’re praying for something that makes no sense, like I pray that my cat turns into a dragon; or I pray that I get taller. You can’t affect things that are innately inane and pointless; but what if I prayed for cancer to be cured? Or for poverty to end. These are in the realm of the possible, and maybe we can affect spacetime and the ensuing order of events. How far we can warp and wrap our wills to the task, is for you to find out. Don’t find god. God is will. Find a way. And go to there.

♎ Libra - I’m not saying you should brew a big pot of tea and then urinate in a giant circle around your encampment to keep wolves out of your territory like in Never Cry Wolf, nor should you eat anything close to 50 boiled eggs on a dare to defend your loner ostracized man-on-the-run, misanthropic anti-hero facade that makes you likeable, empathetic and trustworthy. Allegiance only to the self. Non Serviam. Wow, this got serious. What I am saying is that this week, don’t worry about satan or anybody else who claims dominion over the Underworld. It’s like airplane oxygen masks---adjust yours first, then help others.

♏ Scorpio – Nappanee, Indiana is way more notable than you can imagine. Firstly, it’s the longest city name in the US containing each letter in its name twice. Neat, right? Secondish, it seems to spawn cartoonists—six notably famous ones having been born and raised there. Thirdmost, Nappanee is probably Native American for flour. Not that neat, but okay, keep reading. Fourth estately, there has to be something absowhatly® freaking fascinating about Nappanee, IN that I’m not conveying here. Perhaps a road trip is necessary. No—too expensive—the Wabash River in summer? Outrageous! Go instead to the Nappanee in your mind; and ask for your destiny.

♐ Sagittarius - The difference betwixt exult and exalt is one of inches. One is literal, one figurative. Exult is to leap, as in joy, exalt is to praise, as in the joyful kind. Both are movements toward an expanded multiverse. My advice to you is to get your feet high up in the air--higher than any earthly remorse can affect you, higher than your biggest hopes could have hoped to achieve. In the coming days, you will be called upon both inwardly and out, to reach the stars through love and dreams and jumping as high as you can. Tonight, sleep well and dream of large women--tomorrow—orbital velocity and maximum perigee and possibly bliss.

♑ Capricorn - Your irredentist ways must come to an end. Further exploration into territories, which are in no way under your purview is an encroachment into another’s sovereignty--which if they’re cool with that, I guess go ahead and encroach, impede and squelch. But your appetite has been so fervent of late, that we’re all a bit aghast at your cash drawer discrepancies. Home is indeed where the heart is this week, so tend to the garden, as well as the rest of the inmates. The outer world can wait. For now, tend to your own and assume the rest will follow.

Aquarius ♒ - According to Intergalactic Space Law, your condo at the Forever Sunrise Apartment Complex, which lies at the border between permanent day and night on earth’s moon--due to it non-rotational nature-- your lunar condo, the one that always faces the sunrise, where the party never stops---will be undergoing moonquake upgrades for the next three weeks. So feel free to visit us back here on planet earth. We understand your need to gallivant around the multiverse, but it’s time to visit home. Multi colored party giraffes are waiting and there will be rain dances and temporary tattoos in your honour. Eat well tonight, friend, for tomorrow we dance for your pleasure. You be Kubla Khan, we be Xanadu.

And happy birthday.

♓ Pisces - Your power body of water for the week is Lake Peigneur in Louisiana. In 1980, the Diamond Crystal Salt Company made a critical error while drilling for salt beneath the lake, collapsing the lakebed and creating for a time the largest waterfall in the state—50m tall!…nearly killing a fisherman and surely a shit ton of catfish. Undiscovered beneath you is a treasure trove of something valuable. I say, poke in the wrong spot, jab where you shouldn’t and bathe deeply in whatever beauty lies untapped beneath your glittery shores. Punch through with no regrets.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –If you catch sight of a qilin in the near future, be not afeared—he’s been looking for you. A qilin is a mythical Chinese animal that looks like a lion mixed with a unicorn but with antlers, oh and btw---it’s usually on fire. Your lucky power animal may sneak up on you, as they prefer to catch you unawares and thus unprepared. For the good luck to sink in, your meeting must not be anticipated. That said, there’s a qilin a-comin, so prepare thy face for a qilin’s bounty. Leave the black cloud you’ve been camping stoically under for a more mythically pleasing set of skies. Roar.

♉ Taurus -If one expects lucky Fortune, one may be doomed to wait for a pot that never boils because the pilot light’s out. To harvest the most luck possible, one wants to be up at bat as many times as possible--more opportunity, more potential results, more risks taken, more potential payoffs. Granted, the results could become chaotic, depending on the type of risks you risk. So, maybe caution is wise, just watching all sidelined and repressed, so as not to arouse the wrath of the envious lotus eaters of discontinuity. And shite, we’re back to the unboiling pot again. Here we go—fuck all the logic! Get up to the plate and swing for the cheap seats. And then do it some more. Aim skyward and bold and unafeared.

♊ Gemini –“Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth – more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless of the well-tried wisdom of the ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. It sees man, a feeble speck, surrounded by unfathomable depths of silence; yet it bears itself proudly, as unmoved as if it were lord of the universe. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man.”

–Bertrand Russell. It’s 2014, Gemini—wake up and think big.

♋ Cancer –If you’ve been chased doggedly for months by a sasquatch, a yeti, a yowie, or some prehistoric aquatic gaelic leviathan, rest assured—those things aren’t real. For monsters to exist and not been found in the 2014 is highly unlikely. Just ask those last few isolated tribes trying to live in the rainforest away from the harping and preaching of societalized zealots. We’re all over this rock like white on rice. So, lose the monkey-man ogre beasties that have been tripping you up. Walk up straight and tall and unhindered by irrelevant shite. Be monster free since 2013!

♌ Leo –In theory, if someone from the distant future showed you all the cool stuff that future science has to offer, most of the technology would seem like magic. Like showing a toaster oven to an isolated Amazon tribe. It would probably scare the açaí right out of ‘em. But thanks to obsessive movie watching, we might not be fazed at all by such future trickery. When aliens come and destroy us with ray guns, we may stand agoggedly by like tree sloths in a Breaking Bad marathon. Something to think about, right?

♍ Virgo – A crater of eternal darkness isn’t all that bad. It’s a point on any space body that never sees sunlight due to its location, probably at a low altitude. However, consider the metaphor, like craters and impact zones inside our own shadowy consciousness where we never allow sunlight, perhaps out of fear of what we may find there—or, what we may do there. But in space, these spots are ideal for space exploration—they may hold water, and they could provide shelter from the onslaught of solar radiation. My point is, is that you should warm up the rover…it’s time to take a deep dark space drive and find what’s been hiding from the light of day. (and hey, maybe read Taurus…)

♎ Libra –You may feel as if you’ve been through a period like the Late Heavy Bombardment, as Earth is theorized to have gone through about 4 billion years ago, when a high number of asteroids and comets wreaked havoc in our system, impacting our early orb with material from the far reaches of infinite space, and depositing materials forged in the hearts of nuclear furnaces. And while your consciousness may have had many such impactful meteoroids, rest assured that they are all replete with riches, from precious and heavy metals, to globe warping mind evolutions. Harvest your space rocks and find some gold.

♏ Scorpio –Don’t bother to strap in. You’re about to hit the solar flow, bro-ham. Imagine a fusion furnace like our Sun, all the energy and light it’s emitting—the solar wind. So powerful that if the Earth lost its magnetic field, we’d be cut to ribbons by its radiation, and our atmo would be vented bye bye to the empty of space to find home somewhere else down the universal timeline in a big freeze this time, and we all dissipate, and dissolve like a dining room light on a dimmer switch. For now at least, You are ejected supersonic coronal mass lighting the ‘verse moving at maximum warp. Act accordingly.

♐ Sagittarius –This week you will need to googlewhack something, maybe in order to prove a drunken barroom point, or as a true test of creative spark we all know you possess in spades. A googlewhack, btw, is a contest where you try to Google two words with no quotation marks that will yield only one hit. Language, preferably made up, is infinite. We create words all the time, language is fluid and fruity like a mai tai. You need to express something hidden, and these two nonsense words, or nonsense phrase will light the way to wisdom and the manifest destiny of your consciousness from sea to shining sea. So, go googlewhack something weird, and grok some future.

♑ Capricorn –As we move through the last of your birthday time, your upcoming week will teem and topple with statistically improbable phrases and surprising advents of calm heartbeats and gentle swaying oceans of humanity’s collective soul, who all dwell in the same morass and endangerment as the you, or the I, or the we--aware of it, but preferably not ruled by it. So, get out your lung pipes and grease those vocal chords, because your undulating ululating creaminess will create good vibes for the rest of 2014. Happy new year and happy birthday, you handsome mountain goat bastards. Torque on.

Aquarius ♒ -Finally, it is our time. Our mutual sun moves into our sign, illuminating an all too short time of year, when feeling pleasure comes more easily, and energies carom at a higher rate of creative entropy, radiating a holy warping of borealis aurorae into our collective ids. We change in the Chinese fashion, up and onto the horse this year. Regardless of your birth totem, maybe it’s time to bond equine and ride, take time to see the sights, take lay of the land and gander what it’s all about. Better that way to settle into a future we can see from the air. Perspective is everything. Happy birthday, us. (and read Taurus if you enjoy reading)

♓ Pisces –Relax, have a mango and some tea. Your happy happy fun never stops birthday time is coming up, but before that your haircut needs to stay business up front and in back. It is not mullet time---not yet. Once you attend to business and gerrymanderize your priorities and get your house of cards in order, then it will be time to mullet. You can even go party in the front and party in the back if you want, and screw business altogether, but first TCB some outstanding shite, and then you can go party in mullet town. For now, work hard, and later party heartily.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –Your mission for the week, which may or may not bring enlightenment, but possibly bunions, is to find a rhyme for each of the following words: bulb, month, silver and angel. Here’s my advice since the task is impossible: you’re gonna have to make some shite up. The point is to open your mind and tap in to some new modalities of thought. Whip out you brain pan and ponder what might be different if you broke convention and just made shite up. Don’t take gulb, stonth, bilver or gagangel though, cause they’re mine. Merry 2014 and make up some glorious, all encompassing crazy shite. No limits.

♉ Taurus –Ironically, your equal and opposite on the wheel is Scorpio, who personifies change, the phoenix literally rising up from the ashes of what was, the eagle who rules the landscape—the penultimate symbol of change. And you, the Taurus, the bull, the unshakeable, the immovable force, beyond which nothing shall pass, stamp my feet and grrrrrrr--NONE SHALL PASS. Ironic it seems, considering your yang is the definition of metamorphosis. Merry 2014, and may all your choices be based not in obstinacy or fear or constipation, but in the crazed belief that we are not who we say we are. Roar.   

♊ Gemini –At a certain point, everyone is forced to stop believing in their own hype--either through consequence, or from regular periods of meditation and self reflection that enable the soul, the id, and the feral animal inside us all to unite and boldly plan new ventures that may prove advantageous for everyone, even the greedy lizard brain that drives our fears and carnal lusts. We’re malleable candy coated foofery® that looks more beautiful the more we stare fixedly intent upon its gaze. We are the lens, we are the portal. Forget this not: save you it can. 

♋ Cancer –Your power hors d'oeuvre of the week is the amuse-bouche, which differs from an appetizer because it is served at the option of the chef. In French, it translates to that which amuses the mouth and it can be used to give the person eating a big idea of the chef’s abilities in small bites. Depending on the chef, it could be something fancy from a parmesan pannacotta, to something simple like a plate of fermented figs, or a bowl of hot cheese and some pretzel sticks. You’re due for a serious amuse-bouche to the face and it could be here any minute. Bon appétit, tickle the tonsils and merry 2014.

♌ Leo –I don’t want to tease you, but you’re within a muggeseggele of achieving the greatest achievement out of all the achieving achievers that have ever achieved, Lebowski or otherwise. You’re gonna hit pay dirt mucho pronto, paisan, and I thought you should prepare thyself for the onslaught of yummy on the way to your honey lovin’ tummy. A muggeseggele, btw, is the approximate length of a fly’s wiener. Ergo, you’re like super close to awesome town. Just try to act surprised. In fact, I’ve said too much. Forget what you have read. Save you it can, merry 2014…

♍ Virgo – The ‘list of odd-toed ungulates by population’ is not your average Wikipedia page. It is also incomplete and arbitrary. It reeks of guttersnipe and the bilge water of disinformation that pervades the iVerse®, which I’m hereby creating and inventing as a metaphor for the sum total of experiences that the I, the royal WE, the editorial---ALL of the experiences on all cosmic and hereditary levels that are known to possibly exist according to people with lab coats and charts available for your sensual perusal. This is a new day, friend-o-liscious, so put on your hip waders—2014 is gonna get rather rhino-ish. Your future is ungulating.

♎ Libra –Your power animal for 2014 is a two tusked narwhal, named Desmond currently living in an aquatic commune off Norway. We may never truly know the true purpose of any narwhal tusk, and most have only one apiece. They may be a function of sexual attractiveness, like the mane of a lion. For all we know, they may have evolved to fight a certain kind of offworld alien that sought to invade our cold artic seas for the krill and algae populations and has since vanished. But you and your narwhal—you guys are the rare and beatified two tusker, composed of actual magic. Merry 2014, and may the cetaceans be with you. 

♏ Scorpio – Merry 2014! Your visionary environmentalist for the year is Ferdinand Cheval, a postman in 19^th century france, who was fascinated by stones and rocks that he would find on his route, and after finding one particularly engaging rock, he began to bring them home, and eventually built with his own hands, Le Palais idéal—which looks like no structure on earth—it’s Cheval’s version of the ideal palace. Yours may not be built of rock and stone, but keep your eyes to your environs this year, in order to make a perfect future for you and the ones you love. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palais_Idéal_du_Facteur_Cheval

♐ Sagittarius –There’s a center in your happy spot, deep down, all trance and cave like, where solutions to all things exist in a void of stillness and reccessitude from the waking fears of the ego and the foolish hopes of the id and ill begotten. Your hidden holiest of holies is deep in an underwater spelunker’s paradise. You won’t need to hold your breath, just calm yourself and inspire—a natural instinct for all Sag’s. Before you shoot, you aim—but aim with your heart, aim with your innermost. The eye can deceive. Intent, becomes desire, becomes action, becomes you. Proceed accordingly and happy 2014.

♑ Capricorn –Your power cephalopod of the year (happy 2014!) is the siphon using, jet propelled Pacific Flying Squid. Congratulations, I suppose. Yet fret nary, for using the power of this probably slimy ocean dweller will empower you with the ability to squirt your way across the ocean to safety and/or new hunting grounds, or more likely to local fish pubberies® and dive bars where drunken fish tales abound and delight all underwater denizens, and not merely the likes of the lipless and gillful. Your future is sub-marine and sub rosa. Your inner ichthyologist is calling. Squirt your way to freedom!

Aquarius ♒ -No one actually buys our sweet aloofness. It reeks too much of idle loneliness, occasional apathy, and a fervent and sublimated desire for exploration of new succulent vistas and unexpected and hopefully shocking delights. Most people sniff out the world, listen to it, or fall in love through the evolution of sight, while many trumble and brumble through with brute napoleonic force. We Aquarii, We think our way through it, at times too distrustfully and cloaked in scientific abstraction, replete with reasons for this and causes for that, while the true essence of deep shite loses meaning and takes a crap in the pantry. Feel first. Ask later.

♓ Pisces –Happy 2014! To start your year off in true Pisces fashion, I will predict nothing but iridescent bejeweled daggers of fun and rockin good times that last way past sunset and proceed into the sexy cool of late night / early morning lovemaking under stars and moon and probably itching sand out of your swim suit, but still--gosh your year is going to be splendid, and sans irony which I know you’ve been hoping for, so basically just keep being you. Any other advice would be relentlessly and pointlessly banal.