Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(associated with neither horror nor scopes of any ilk)

Quality futurism that doesn’t suck!

♈ Aries –Post solstice, we are now new moon in Cancer, sun in Cancer, and Mercury’s going to start moving ‘forward’ in the skies once again—and honestly for a planet named for a fleet footed god, he seems to go backwards an awful lot, yet narytheless, this northern hemi summer is poised to be reckless, wild, abandoned and intent upon leaving you wondering when you’ll divine the time to take a breathe and sort out all the season’s boons and benefits, much less get to the dirty laundry that’s been piling up. Rip roaring is a phrase that comes to mind. Yet rest assured, you’re belted in, and probably won’t be permanently affected, but this ride is neither for the timid nor the reactionary. Buck up and strap in. Game on and indeed afoot.

♉ Taurus –Many astrologers use the languid northern hemisphere temps of a Cancer sun to label Cancers as secretive, sheltered and agoraphobic, which the Dr Pants would like to decry as false, misleading, and only occasionally true. The constellation of Cancer has been part of humanity’s lingo for centuries, and furtherly, crabs have been a staple of human diet for centuries—we’ve lived off crabs, they sustain us—they’ve also existed much longer than us primates, the horseshoe crab par ex. came into existence some 500 million years ago. They’ve survived 500 million years of constant climate change, extinction episodes, and mankind’s pollutive industrial evolution. Final posit: the time of the Crab is fierce, perhaps eternal and super juicy. Run with this ancient solar wind…run free, run hearty and get some vitamin D.

♊ Gemini –Okay, posit this shite that the Dr. Pants just thunk up: The solar wind, right, a stream of photons, energy & radiation emitted by the Sun—til its inevitable super nova anyway…and this wind, this sunlight, is streaming at us with the added gravitational wisdom of the constellation Cancer, we’re soaking up ancient Cancerian light energy, along with the pull of our Sun. Firstly, think of space and distant stars, then the force that they exert on us, all pulling us towards the same distant region of spacetime. Lines of force are everywhere, Merc is nigh out of retrograde, sort of…time to catch a fast train, and let the rest of us catch up to you. Go fast, don’t look back.

♋ Cancer –Quick interstellar primer: a neutron star is what’s left after a sun goes super nova, imagine something as big as a star compressed to something ‪über dense only a few miles across—heavy shite right? And often, these neutron stars are surrounded by nebulae, leftover gases, mostly helium and hydrogen and lots of radiation, that enshroud the neutron star, making something scientifically fascinating and also pretty to look at. The Dr Pants only brings it up because at the center of the constellation Cancer, thru which our sun is currently couch surfing, at the center is the Crab Pulsar and hencely the Crab Nebulae, which was first observed by actual people a thousand years ago—as that distant sun went nova. Combine this thusly: Crab. Nebula. Nexus. Heliocentric savoir faire and muy más macho going on, you dig? Happy birthday, you ancient crustacean you. And maybe read Gemini too for good measure.

♌ Leo –Oy and frak, the Dr. Pants didn’t think we’d ever get here, June being so rubber bandy and endlessly elastic, finally, it’s July, a new moon, a fresh start with new sunlight and a mathematical change of perspective and prospectus, Mercury creeping ‘back’ into ‘forward’ again, and before this joint gets jumpin, take a minute, take a long hot bath, and contemplate where to, how fast, how much and to whose face you’re planning on bringing it to. Northern Hemi Summer is officially underway, and more than any in recent leonine memory, this summer is action jam packed. Take the weekend & find your center, for the games are afoot and the party way started.  

♍ Virgo –Your time in the waiting room is nigh done, and tho your name will not be called, grow up, quit the waiting and step foot into the office, and own it—OWN those souls who would seek to rail, kvetch and bemoan your luck—which isn’t luck—this here solar system is spring loaded, and we’re on the forefront of a four fold cross rip, a PKE surge of incredible even dangerous proportions. Coil. Spring. Summer. Energy release, nebula formation and fireworks, lots of fire working in your favor. Recent solstice, now Cancer Sun, nigh Leonine fire time, and your birthdays. Get up, ride the snake, for he/she and you are one. Ride like the wind up toward a mountainous goal.

♎ Libra –Posit: Thanks to a recent solstice, our Sun lies languidly against a backdrop of Cancerian constellular energy, and after a new moon backdropped in Cancer, a full moon in Cap is just 2 weeks away, and therefore the Dr Pants furtherly posits that: now is a time of building in the northern hemi, lots of sun, plenty of vim, vigor, vitality & moxie, with enough to spare for really close friends who need a lift after recent planetary retrogrades and solsticular® movements. You are air in a time of vast aerating movement and readjustment to our sun’s blazoning photonic tantrums & titillations. Follow your will unquestionably, for it is never wrong, but now, tis ‘specially right on, infallibly super tender and righteous.

♏ Scorpio –In the northern hemi, now tis a time of growth & strength, vigor & vim, & bold audacious attempts at exploration, for the glaciers have retreated…according to what extremes, who is to say, but frettheenot, for now tis the season to build layer ‘pon layer, so that come harvest time and thy natal days, that we may unravel what has been wrought, spun & woven, like straw into gold. If you have yet to plant, get busy & get sowing, plan now & reap later. Garden your self upwards, for the Cancer sun is warm and encouraging of growth. Grow large now—there is nothing else.

♐ Sagittarius -5 months from now, we’ll be gearing up for Sag sun time—so, check this posit the Dr Pants just decided to espouse: we passed solstice, right, and in 6 months we get another, & furtherly, the June solstice occurs precisely at the moment when our Sun moves from the constellation Gemini into Cancer, & still furtherly, at the Dec solstice, the Sun moves from Sag into Capricorn, air into water, right, and in Dec, fire into earth—both at exact moments of extreme earthly tilt. If, like the Dr Pants, you’re in the northern hemi, this next 6 months is where you’re capable of building more productively & sagaciously than the previous 6. Arrows to the ready.

♑ Capricorn –Astrological froo fraw and falderal aside, let’s talk angles and geometry and shite, & posit thusly: the constellations Cap and Cancer are opposite each other, like literally, opposite each other in space in terms of the earth’s ecliptic, they’re on opposite sides us, right, and furtherly the Sun transits into Cap and Cancer respectively at the exact moments of the solstices…the solsticii…no, that can’t be right—point is, is that the moment of transition into your birthday times is a unique moment, where we start tilting the other way. Astrologically, the Dr Pants could ruin this with some metaphor about holistic energy and flibberdy floo and yoga, but that’s all shite. Do some math, make plans, the next 6 months might be very possibly mucho productive, soulfully nutritious and divinely regenerative.

Aquarius ♒ -Ok, imagine space, right, and all the constellations of the twelve astrological signage, they move around us in the sky in the plane of the ecliptic—still follow—and we just recently hit solstice, where Earth, which tilts up and down, giving us seasons, right, we stop tilting one way and start tilting back the other way, allowing Aussies to steal our sun. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that the Sun just slipped into Cancer, we’re tilting the other way, the new moon is also in Cancer, and in 2 weeks a full Cap moon, and then the next full moon—all the while tilting southward—the next full moon is in Aquarius. Spacetime awaits your/our ingenuities & proclivities toward off angle solutions and sudden panaceas. Dream, engender and ratify.

♓ Pisces –Posit this shite: if you believe Pisces is a water sign, then so is Cancer, right, and furtherly posit that your relationship/resemblance to water might go past the metaphorical, and still furtherly, Cancer is considered the youngest of water signs, making you the oldest—more mature, let’s say, and yet furtherly, if the crab represents ancient life on earth, been surviving here super way longer than mere fish—or humans!—and furtherly posit that Pisces might actually represent not merely aquatic flora &/or fauna, but as well the larger largess of the ocean, the entire ocean of earth, all of the water, from deep yet undiscovered depths, to life breeding tide pools, to snow at the top of Everest. Point is, is that we’re in the time of Cancer sun, Cancer new moon and Merc is done pretending to be lost in the cosmic forest. As usual, make something happen, make something true.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –This week at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, the Earth will pause in timespace, and this shite will ensue: 1) the Earth will start tilting the other way, southerly, and Aussies will begin winter and we—the royal WE will begin summer, with shorter days and warm winds of change, 2) simultaneously the Sun will tidally slide into the constellation Cancer—water party!, and 3) the Earth will hold still for the briefest of moments—we’ve been tilting northward for 6 months, and now, our planet will hold its collective breath and start tilting the other way. Pendulum swing, wormholes, dogs and cats living together—mass peace rallies and orgiastic fetes—act accordingly.

♉ Taurus –If you're in the neighborhood of Stonehenge on June 21st, check out the modern day Druids that carry on what they believe to be ancient practices come solstice time... 3:51am PDT June 21st btw. Starting Fri you may feel the urge to stay up and party, or clean, or create, or dance as if no one was watching. Then on Sat, the urge to party further may take over, and a redoubling of efforts may be required. The solstice is a moment in time where the earth holds still and after a heart beat, starts tilting our mass the opposite way, pendulum swing, reversal of misfortune, who knows what beauteous portents are portended!! Wear a belt, pack a change of attitude and behold the inevitable swing.

♊ Gemini –In the middle of the night/I go walking in my sleep/From the mountains of faith/To a river so deep/I must be looking for something/ Something sacred I lost/But the river is wide/And it's too hard to cross/ And even though I know the river is wide/I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore/And try to cross to the opposite side/So I can finally find out what I've been looking for… This last week of your birthday time ends on 3:51am PDT July 21^st, when the Sun alchemically changes from Gemini air to Cancery liquidity, and doors open wide that were previously unseen. Channels and wormholes and shite you’ll find amazing and true.

♋ Cancer –Posit this action: at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, the Earth stops tilting northerly, pauses for the briefest of moments and starts tilting the other way—the entire earth holds still, for a moment in spacetime. Meanwhile and simultaneously our Sun slips from Gemini into the constellation of Cancer, air becomes water, all air signs do—transmogrifying one element into another...alchemically reminiscent of Prometheus at high atmo, stealing fire and lighting up humankind. This week, a solstice, a doorway, a wormhole even, and transform thyself into what your next crabby carapace might be. The oceans are warm, friendly & ubiquitous. Swim freely.

♌ Leo -This particular Merc retro episode which ends come July, is the N^th degree, the ultimate, the penultimate, the paragon, and paradigm shattering huzzah huzzah yadda yadda and etc that will be burgeoning forth in defiance of June gloom, and rocketeering you towards change and chance, and freedom and reorganization, and things only fools dare to dream of. This summer, which starts at 3:51am PDT June 21^st could prove life changing, so act accordingly. Come July, big energy release that lasts a month and more, from Independence to Labor Day. Solstice is here, time to gear way up and soon, time to explode into space, like a true nature’s child, born to be wild.

♍ Virgo –Posit this action: The earth’s 23°of tilt is like a pendulum swing, and at 3:51am PDT June 21st, we hit solstice. The earth will hang ten for like a second and then we'll start swinging the other way, with shorter days and warm pacific winds, while simultaneously the Sun will slip from Gemini air into Cancer water, alchemically probably the gentlest of elemental transitions. Water and air work together all the time—we make the weather for the sake of pete! Sure, an occasional hurricane, tornado, polar vortex, inspiration for terrible disaster movies, but mostly it's summertime and the livin is easy. One of the most interesting energy times of the year is here. Breathe.

♎ Libra –Your feats of mental and verbal funambulism are replete with derring-do, lightning reflexes, neurons that fire faster and higher than the average hoi polloi. The Dr Pants doesn’t recommend hiding it, for what’s the use? Shite never stays buried, right? Anyhoo, at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, we hit solstice, the earth will hang ten in spacetime for a brief moment, while simultaneously the Sun slips subtly from Gemini into the constellation of Cancer, and the water-air relationship inexorably continues apace and afoot. Your ‘scope is simple: find water, let your airy pulchritude be subsumed by a complimentary liquidinous partner. Bathe, renew and refresh.

♏ Scorpio –It's solstice time! Quick primer: the earth goes ‘round the sun, right, but as it does, it also tilts back and forth to around 23 degrees north and south of the equator, right, giving us seasons, so at 3:51am PDT June 21st we reach a tipping point, where the earth, like a pendulum, starts tilting back the other way, giving the southern hemisphere their sun back, and giving us shorter days and warm summer winds. And at this critical moment of solstice, for a tiny second, the earth sort of stands still in spacetime, while meanwhile and simultaneously, the sun slips lushly into the constellation of Cancer. Elemental change is afoot and apace, especially come July when Merc is done retrograding. Prepare your party pants.

♐ Sagittarius –OK, solstice on Sat, big deal actually, but let’s talk Merc retrograde and a tendency towards déjà vu, and dammit it, if this doesn’t smell like something that’s happened before, maybe just a similar experience, maybe we have a solstice twice a year and history inevitably repeats ourselves. Or…maybe this particular doorway, where the Earth literally hangs ten in timespace and changes direction, is a wormhole that you’ve fallen thru before. Maybe come Sat, you’ll find yourself right where you fell the first time. This time, choose different, reboot & reward thyself.   

♑ Capricorn –The constellations have been arbitrarily decided over millennia, a crab here, a goat there, but these groups of stars are just here for the moment, like of the rest of the universe—they’re all on the move. Someday our sky will look totally different as everything moves away from everything else. On 3:51am PDT June 21^st, we hit solstice, the earth hangs ten for just a second, and then our planetary mass starts tilting the other way, and simultaneously the Sun seductively slips from Gemini into Cancer—a crabby animal that’s existed for much longer than us mere humans. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that it might all mean nothing, IT may just be the start of summer foreboding nothing, neither ill nor fortuitous. And yet…it might be a doorway—a wormhole of a moment of massive planetary shifting and imminent change. Just like the shift from Sag into Cap and winter solstice…weird. Entropy and OCD may need to agree to disagree and be cool.

Aquarius ♒ -Don't let our reputation as water bearers make you feel like an ass when the Dr Pants lays it down and reminds you that we're an air sign, and lest ye forget, air moves waves of water, evaporates it and carries it high into the atmo. Air moves earth, sandstorms cover whole civilizations, turning mountains into molehills, we sculpt rock and we carve earth. And lightning is merely fire created betwixt air and water at high altitudes and cold temps—basic chemistry—WE make fire. The water we bear is knowledge that we Aquarii drop on the multitudes, to help guide us all into light. And on 3:51am PDT June 21st, we hit solstice, and the sun goes from Gemini to Cancer, we move from air to water, and a tilting point...and in a month, on to fire, and Leo and kingly duties. For now, let water move you.

♓ Pisces –“No Tessio's men, no one, Pop’s all alone.” It was this tiny line from Godfather I that leads the Dr Pants to believe, infer, imply and elucidate that forces like Merc retrograde and an impending solstice at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, where the earth will hang ten in spacetime for a quick moment, and meanwhile & simultaneously the Sun will slip seaward into the constellation Cancer—that we’re at that moment where Pacino arrives at his father’s hospital room, the guards are gone, and it was Tessio/Aprea/Vigoda that was the traitor after all, and not Clemenza. This week, big energy shift—paying attention might pay off. Unforeseen treasure is nigh.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror nor scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –Due to some retrograde planetary action this week, you may experience the feeling of ick, a direct result of listening to someone mindlessly masticate, probably gnawing on something messy, like crab legs, or absurdly chewy ennui. Posit: the jungle from which we’re raised is a noisy one, so many species—but rather than eliminate sounds from the jungle, merely observe which ones to allow to disappear into our own background radiation. Point is, is that two planets appear backwards in the sky now, and June may get funky, especially come solstice time. So, tune in, turn on, don't drop out, but seek thou rather to separate the pure shite from the static cling and arbitrary bull crap that pervades this ‘verse. Divine and conquer.  

♉ Taurus –If thou canst quanta, then quantify thusly: how many rays of sunshine does it take to lighten your mood, or to make you believe that something is possible, that something exists beyond your imagination, something that enriches reality, and buffers us from waves upon waves of multiverses, like an atoll somewhere mid Pacific. How many of us walk with these chains around our necks, convinced of their necessity and inevitability, and that danger ‘lies’ ‘round every reef? What. A. Pisser. Currently, Mercury appears backwards and kerfuffled in the sky. Get some sun, some solstice sun, some vitamin D, and manage the deal, but don’t deal with the work—Work smarter, not harder.

♊ Gemini -The current heavenly clime is arbitrary and miasmic, and the Dr Pants recommends taking shelter, for a short time, in order to avoid your doppelgänger. He/She is about, afoot and intent upon havoc. We all have an evil replicant roving the world in search of uniting with its twin, & thereby destroying the universe, as matter and antimatter collide. Even if you're really bored, don't do this. Avoid the other you at all costs. Have some punch, meet with old friends, Mercury is in retro and all is not lost, like Redford, but narytheless, energy is in flux. T’is almost nigh solstice, surf’s up—catch some waves, or particles, and let them move you. Happy birthday.

♋ Cancer -If you haven't actually felt beauty in while, like the kind of beauty that catches you by surprise, possibly because one's availability to the innate wonderfulness of the infinite multiverse tends to bias our earthly frames towards the limited and the finite, in a world where so much seems so cheap, and the wrong things are valued. Astrologically, t’is the perfect time, to go find some, to go get some, and feel it in your heart for a while, for now is a stellar time to reverse the flow putrid energy, and allow for your innards to fill to the gills, and swell with empathy and sympathy and passion, preferably for something not boring, but intense, and worth the effort and sweat and toil. Open your eyes to possibilities, for they are ubiquitous, unavoidable and usually unforeseen.

♌ Leo -Okay, lss (long story short): Neptune—No, not the Roman god Poseidon rip off, but rather the big ass gas giant out past Saturn, that btw was discovered on paper before it was ever observed. That gas bag is far, Dude, and very large, despite his older and bigger brothers Jup and Sat. The ancients had no idea that Neptune existed, no clue. And yet astrology ascribes it meaning, as the ruler of such and such house, and blah di blah. Our interpretation of Neptune is relatively new, and the Dr Pants only brings it up because it went retrograde this week, and it is a big ball of gas, pulling on all of us, and vice versa. Lss: you’re Leo, a lion, the master of your fate, the mascot of the LA Kings—King of the jungle, baby. So, act accordingly, as usual. Roar, baby… Roar, and if need be: Roar some more.

♍ Virgo –Posit: the gas giants Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune are akin to older gods, those Zeus ousted from power and sent spinning across the sky—The Titans, creators of the world and the multiverse, but who were too primitive for the likes of a Zeusian evolution, and so they became relegated to beyond the asteroid field. Yet due to their massive gravitational wells, they affect us mathematically and directly, all the time. They're pulling on us every which way! But how we ascribe meaning to these giant gaseous oblate spheroids is arbitrary and biased! The Titans may even be friendly, world building, not destroying, smiley beams of gravity waves that enrich and support us. This week: weird stuff, full moon, Mercury and Neptune retrograde. Have a sandwich, regroup, and enjoy a random show.

♎ Libra –Now is the perfect time under a retrograde Mercury and a warm Gemininian sun...Geminian...whatever, point is, is that the Dr Pants advises you to roam, to wander, to be the peregrine nomad Kung Fu master warrior traveler teacher pescatarian shrub gathering train hopping Kerouac Lewis and/or Clark explorer discoverer and journey-man woman and/or child. Enjoy the ride, go ahead and get lost. We'll be right here when you get back. Bring us back an inexpensive curio, something with meaning and emotional weight. But mostly, breathe deep, tis high time to be airborne and free. 

♏ Scorpio –Retreat gets a bad rep/rap, and the Dr Pants is more than mildly outraged at its unfair status. Retreat is not cowardice. Retreat is also defined as: a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy. A retreat from the waking world, if economically feasible, is exactly what the Dr Pants urges you to do. Even if, however, you're as broke as the good Dr here, get creative, maybe a long meandering bike ride from Playa to Hermosa, pack a lunch and some SPF and ignore the rest of us for awhile. Mercury is 'going backwards' and it’s a perfect time to count some photons and make some vitamin D. Retreat enriches and embiggens the soul, try some, & breathe deep the life.

♐ Sagittarius -So, fyi, Neptune, the big blue green gas giant way out past Uranus, just went retrograde. What? Did something happen? Kind of. First, some facts: Neptune wasn't even actually seen with human eyes til 1846, so why did we name it after the god of the sea, the underworld, the mysterious deep, from whose bourn no traveler returns? It puzzles the will. Time, amidst oceanic depths, is long and skewed toward the transcendent. The planets that are gas giants, are like behemoth oceans in space, made of gas that seem liquid due to sheer volume and mass. Neptune is humungoid®, and currently it appears to be going backward in the sky. Make of that what you will, and if you can muster, have a dream about flying, and living ‘mongst eagles and mating in mid air ‘midst the wind, the adrenaline and the glory. 

♑ Capricorn -During this time of Mercury and Neptune retrograde, the Dr Pants posits thusly: consider the hippocampus, the part of the brain that tends to such delicacies as memory and spatial navigation, and when it's cross sectioned, resembles a hippocampus, which in Greek means seahorse. Odd nomenclature, yes? We have two of them btw, dual hippocampii, and they took millions of years to evolve. Their symbolism is rife with portent. The Dr Pants urges you, Capricornius, the sea goat—and you can look that up, you fake mountain climber—he advises you to get to an ocean, it's high solstice time to commune and reunionize with your oceanic family tree.

Aquarius ♒ -What happens when our neuroreceptors don't get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine. Which leads to? Impaired cognitive function, yes yes, the bane of an Aquarian mind, and sometimes, the respite, the reduction from the weltshmertz and the ennui that pervades our—shite! Nooo! We must not go gentle into that good night! Here’s the rub: Mercury = bye bye til July, and Neptune, river of dreams and Roman rip off of Greek symbolism—also retrograde—all part of the usual cycle, nothing to see here, so move along, right? Interpret as you will, these massive planetary bodies doing reverse sambas in the sky. Let our collective brain breathe, right? Also, read Capricorn, and wise up.

♓ Pisces -The average hug is a paltry 1-3 seconds long, and t’is time for the Mother Teresa within you to extend, expound upon and stump for a longer term. The Dr Pants challenges you to embrace the ones you love intimately and unabashedly for up to 6 seconds! Maybe even a full half minute, should you find the cajones! You are a vessel of transcendent and effulgent emotion, and the time of sharing is now. To quote the Bacharach, ‘what the world needs now, is love, sweet love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of’... hug the ones you love, and hug maybe a stranger or three. Your curative powers are unwaveringly and rampantly aroused, indefatigable, irrepressible, irresistible and irreversible. Hug on, brougham, hug on.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on tumblr.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –To alleviate your current condition during the impending Mercury retrograde beginning on Sat btw, the Dr Pants urges you to call upon your sweetest memory, one that will never leave your grey matter, despite the ravages of time—some perfect moment, regardless of hindsight’s accuracy, and use that as a focus, as a spinning plate that as you continue spinning, will bolster your inner fire and fuel your desire for action and thus, resolution, and maybe even redemption. Go backwards until you know your path without question. Revise, revamp and revisit, then conquer.

♉ Taurus –The origin of the word planet means wanderer. Generally the sky appears to move in circular movements—the Sun, the Milky Way, all the stars in the sky, which don’t forget, outnumber all the grains of sand on all the beaches of Earth…the sky is spinning around us, or so it seems. But planets are wanderers, some have longer or shorter orbits than we do, and Mercury, with an orbit of only 88 days, goes into retrograde on Sat for 3 weeks, which many believe to be akin to a writer’s strike in the sky. Posit: this ‘reversal’ is merely an intake of breath, and integral to the ebb and flow of multiversal energy. Go with the ebb, and all will be righteous and royal.

♊ Gemini –Happy birthday. Again. And fret not retrograde Mercury, starting on the 7^th  btw. Retrogrades, like shite, happen, on a regular basis. And instead of engaging in your infamous temper, seek thou rather to rein in your impatience, and experience what may seem like a backward flow, an ebb that takes you seemingly out to sea and away from your immediate goals. Breathe and soak up a Gemininian sun. A Geminian sun. Whatever, just chill—everything is perfect. In fact, because of retrograde, Merc will pass seemingly backward into Gemini on the 17^th for a little re-visitation. Double vision? I hope so, for your sake. Breathe, air, and all will be sweetly delivered in perfect tempo.

♋ Cancer – Firstly, a primer on planetary retrogrades: the origin of the word planet: it means wanderer, because at certain predictable times of the year, it appears to move backwards in the sky. It isn’t really, but it appears so. This particular Merc retrograde ends just days after one of only two yearly solsticii. Solsticesses? That can’t be right—point is, is that we have equal day and equal night on planet Earth, then Merc goes forward again, and whence the Sun will dip its claws into Cancer, and crabs get their party claws on. Expect bursting, titillation, derring-do, intrepid nonchalance, and more than one divine orgasm. You’ve earned it.

♌ Leo –For the next three weeks, it may seem that you’re playing laser tag in a weightless environment, and you have to reorient your senses to the fact that you are without mass, and you might have to be as smart as Ender to get out of this un-lasered. Sorry, I should have mentioned this firstly, that Mercury, the little super heated planet that orbits the Sun every 88 days goes retrograde on Sat for three weeks. How you interpret that will also determine the results of your zero-g laser tag prowess. The Dr Pants advises that you aim with your heart, for it is incapable of error.

♍ Virgo –As Douglas Adams said: Don’t Panic. But let’s say, that Mercury is about to go retrograde on Sat. Wait… Don’t Panic. Firstly, a primer on retrograde: all the planets have different orbital periods, right, obviously the closer to the sun, the shorter the year, example: Mercury’s year is only 88 earth days. It celebrates new year every two and a half months, and while we on earth plod thru our year, sometimes Mercury looks like it’s going backwards in the sky. It isn’t, really, but hence the origin of the word planet, meaning wanderer. Merc seems to go backwards 3-4 times a year for about 3 weeks at a shot. How one interprets that, is infinitely subjective. Don’t go negative, just go with what may seem like a backward flow. All aqueducts lead to Rome, right? Prepare for the ebb, for flow always follows.    

♎ Libra -Bad Cop: starting this Sat, Mercury goes retrograde for three weeks. Medium Cop: So what? I am suspect of this potential hooey. Good Cop: The cycles of the cosmos are endless and meaning can only be ascribed by a truly unbiased soul, which inevitably because of the meaninglessness of it all, will mean nothing to the abyss. Bad Cop: What? Medium Cop: I think what Good Cop is trying to say, is that yeah, a planet looks like it’s going backwards from an earthly pov, but it isn’t, and what meaning we ascribe to that is arbitrary and determined by what outcome makes us feel, even slightly better. Bad Cop: I hate your deep shite talk. Perp: What? Dr Pants: Doubt not the prevailing winds, they do you righteously.

♏ Scorpio –Mercury retrograde is kind of like a New Yorker Cartoon Contest, where people send in their caption to, say, a drawing of a donkey in a leisure suit talking to a used car salesman, and the editors usually go with the most removed, the most subtle and difficult to grasp, something urbane and witty, yet replete with the over perfumed pseudo intellectualism of the east coast elite. The captions come at you from a backward pov, they’re clever and digging and pointed and obtuse. And that’s what Merc retrograde is like. It’s not a setback. It’s a second look, another chance at an unplanned infusion of wisdom. Patience is the watchword.

♐ Sagittarius –Don’t think of the impending Mercury retrograde, beginning on Sat for three bullshite weeks btw, to be a slow down, or work stoppage, but rather a chance to further concentrate your will and desires more specifically and assuredly. Backwards is an illusion, so believe in it not and nary. Let nothing lead you astray, unless it pleases your fire. What, you expected to build Rome in a day? Did you expect to attain enlightenment without frustration at the bureaucracy and the indiscriminate laying of multiversal red tape? You are not delayed, you are embiggened.

♑ Capricorn –Firstly a primer on planetary retrogrades: the origin of the word planet, which means wanderer, because at certain predictable times of the year, appears to move backward in the sky. Ex: Mercury orbits the Sun every 88 earth days, and sometimes from our pov, it looks like it’s backtracking. It isn’t. Nevertheless, on Sat it’s gonna appear to randomly go opposite the spin of the Milky Way. What does it all mean?? The Dr Pants would never proscribe any interpretation upon your wise ways and means, but hey, if things seem bizarre, or bazaar for that matter, just breathe deep the less than oxygenated altitude, and check before you wreck.

Aquarius ♒ -As you know, the Dr Pants is also of the Aquarii, who has also been accused of being a negativist, and then saying, no way, we’re realists and unbiased scientists, and well anyhoo, here’s the straight feces: July and August will likely be times of great change in our pragmatic lives, a series of large portals are opening, and energy is shifting, and here’s the rub: the Dr. Pants actually believes these changes are long awaited and necessary for growth. We are in a time of great energy, act accordingly, and keep handy your happy pants. Ten minutes to show time.   

♓ Pisces -Ahh, Mercury…it’s like a revolving door, like the kind you feel you might get trapped in somehow. It’s small and severely cratered and absurdly hot, like Phoenix Az, but with more charm. And it orbits the Sun in a mere 88 earth days. And generally, the sky seems to move around us in circular-ish movements, and sometimes, planets appear to move backwards in the sky. Merc is like the Flash, he’s faster than you can predict. And starting Sat he’ll seem to reverse course against the sky. But the Dr Pants doesn’t need to tell the likes of fishy fish pisces you about illusion and galactic currents. The time of a Gemini sun is the time to dream of impossible projects.