Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated
with horror or scopes of any ilk)
♈
Aries Your awkward power idiom of the week is:
don’t try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs. Before you balk, allow me to explicate:
the meaning of the phrase has to do with giving advice to an expert, like don’t
teach an old monkey how to make faces. Right? He’s already way ahead of you on
that. Also, don’t tell a too-big-to-fail bank how to cheat on their taxes—waste
of breath. The question you might ask yourself is twofold: 1) why is Granny so
good at sucking eggs? What the hell happened in the 40’s?? and 2) maybe let
Granny give you some advice on egg sucking or preferably something more vital
to your current psychic quagmire. Ask for wise help and a shovel.
♉ Taurus-Your power word of the week is
onomatopoeia. Your Grand Canyon-like gamut will include any or all of the
following: oink, meow, woof, achoo, ka-boom, bam, twang, whack, woo-hoo, yadda
yadda, yoink, pow, ziff, ka-doing, ka-ding, ker-plunck, ka-ching, flip flop,
ding dong, bloop, splash, bang, thud, thump, gasp, tick-tock, swoosh, swish,
plop, purr, sizzle, hiss, squawk, cheep, honk, quack, clickety-clack, and of
course ping pong. I also urge you to discover new ways of spelling sounds that
you either hear or make of your own bodily accord. The levity will do you good,
and will ground you in a bilingual multiverse that’s busy creating light for
your soul’s journey towards what you least expect. Swish swash and a-swoosh.
♊ Gemini-Your power parapraxis for the week
is: the Freudian slip. Your subconscious is in overdrive and wants to tell you
stuff, stuff that you’ve been squashing and squelching for too long. Maybe it’s
as simple as you stole $10 from your sister one time when you were little and
now it’s time to pay her back and repent. It might be that you’re passionate
about, oh I don’t know, let’s say goat herding, but you got into fashion
because it’s easy money, and now it’s time you embraced your true love—goat herding.
Whatever it is, it’s probably somewhere between those two examples, so lighten
up and let your other voice sing out loud. Beauty in, is beauty out.
♋
Cancer-You wouldn’t think Nietzsche would write anything
called The Gay Science, but who knew, right? Let’s ponder: “I want to
learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I
shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage
war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse
those who accuse. Looking away
shall be my only negation.” Amor
fati---to love one’s fate. If you believe in fate. Turn the other cheek against
calumnies and war and evil? Let not thy discreet heart think it. Rage, rage
against the dying of the light. You don’t have to take shite from nobody. Tell Nietzsche to go suck an egg and fight for your
right…to party, or whatever it is that you do…do---just go get on it.
♌ Leo-There are more stars in the sky than
there are grains of sand on all the beaches of all the earth. Deep shite, man.
The North Star--Polaris, which has guided people-kind since the way way back
times, will eventually fall out of favor and Deneb will be the earth’s North
Star, and after that it will be Vega who guides whatever sailors brave the
radioactive dragon infested seas of future earth---the earth we will know
nothing of---and this cycle repeats about every 26,000 years! The shite goes
deeper, man! Yet, fret not, nor nary a whit. You’re at your best while being in
the NOW TIME. Be yourself and be present, and let someone else count stars.
♍ Virgo-I don’t know who this Murphy guy was,
or why he was so glass-half-not-even-there kind of guy, but I challenge you to
find the opposite law to be of equal truthiness. Anything that can go right
will. I dare you to drop your pessimism and bring back into your fold what you
thought was misguided optimism, and challenge the future deities to make you right
as rain and perked up like a can of peas. Prepare for easy victories and calm
seas. If Murphy’s Law is indeed a law, and not some bendable bullshit
guideline, then its opposite must hold equal validity in all situations. Hot
apple pie in the sky-y-y-y-y hopes is your limitless horizon.
♎ Libra-The time has come to upend the
tyranny of small decisions--the series of small choices have snowballed into
your current situation---and bring forth the true will of the people, and more
importantly your individual will--towards a future that brings advantage to
everyone, rather than simply a select 1%. Could be good, bad or somewhere in
between, but you didn’t arrive at this point in time because of one
choice—there’s billions of choices, billions of billions! Choices aren’t good
or bad, but rather part of a larger picture filled with sexy shades of grey.
Take a minute, do some math and get back to me about your grander, more
beauteous future wrought from the grokking of the whole.
♏ Scorpio-‘Well, butter my butt and call me a
biscuit!’ is your strange power idiom of the week. Congratulations. This
southern phrase that evokes images of fatty foods and potentially interesting
sexual scenarios will get you out of any spot you find yourself in. If anyone
gives you trouble after hearing that phrase, then come back at them with a
smarmily said, ‘That dog won’t hunt!’ And all will be right as rain and chill
as a can of chickpeas. Also, feel free to improvise. Try some ‘Well, oil up my
gams and call me a bobsled!’ The magic your tongue and mouth parts can create
is limitless! You’re a walking, talking get out of jail free for all melee in
the courtyard of unnecessary civilized conformity. You, buttered biscuit, you.
♐Sagittarius-Inter-dimensional
duck reasoning is on its way to your face. It goes suchly: if it walks like a
duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a gin soaked tangerine on the rocks with
club soda. Point is, is that all ducks are not necessarily ducks, and thanks to
string theory, some of them are merely parading around as ducks, and are in
fact differentiated duck manifestations across a multi-dimensional energy array
in which ducks can be almost anything but actual ducks. Don’t be fooled by the
not-ducks. Things are not as they appear to be. Quack wisely, Miss
Featherbottom—you’ll be seeing good ol’ regular ducks in a week or two.
♑ Capricorn-Your boots were made for walking, and
that’s just what they’ll do. In fact, you’re imminently due for a peripatetic
experience that will drive your ambulatory mind racing to see what’s around the
next corner. Your upcoming journey may be to the strip mall down the street for
some revelatory fish tacos, or it could be half way around the proverbial
globe, to catch a glimpse of something you’ve been missing since your initial post
war period of refraction, disuse and disguise. So, separate your butt from the
couch cause time’s a-wastin’ and a-wantin’. Your future’s outside. Go get it,
and get on it, and then get in it. It’s a-time.
♒ Aquarius-I guarantee
that a watched pot will boil—most likely in the exact same amount of time that
an unwatched pot will. It’s science. That said, a thing of beauty is not
necessarily a joy forever. Joy and beauty are subjective and subjected to the
ravishes of time and changing opinion on what exactly such trivial things as joy
and beauty are--by definition of course, which seems pointless to define
anything that provides even a sparkle of emotional involvement to one so
mentally flexible as your aquarius self. Don’t watch the pot, be the pot, feel
what it’s like to have your temperature incrementally raised. It might be
joyously beautiful, and probably timeless. Also, read
Libra and Virgo, they smell super nice.
♓ Pisces-This week you will encounter ‘the
elephant’. The pachyderm in question is not literal, but rather a metaphor for
experiences the settlers who moved west across the plains might encounter.
Seeing the elephant is neither good nor bad, but rather a state of being
surrounded by something so much larger than you that it dwarfs your
understanding of self in the face of the total package. During this elephant
viewing time period, you may also want to read or re-read The Stranger by
Albert Camus. Whatever the elephant is, make it your friend. This particular
elephant in the room will free your soul and embiggen your heart and protect
you from the world’s innate and seemingly pointless cruelty.
