Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –The novus ordo seclorum, or new world order, as in the creepy insinuating latin on the Great Seal of the U.S., not so subtly hinting at conspiracy theories and nutjobs—yes that one—The NEW WORLD ORDER. Yeah, well, a better translation might be, the great series of ages begins anew. Which clearly implies a different subtext, à la it’s almost equinox, rebirth and Aries birthday time. So consider Virgil, who put it this way: ‘the great order of the ages is born afresh, justice and honored rules return, and a new lineage is sent down from high heaven’. Pause and consider before rebirthing time.

♉ Taurus - This week, you have one mission, which must be dealt with personally, not via proxy, no maid, no housekeeper, and furtherly, no agent, no attaché—no body but you, the royal YOU, as in physically and actually YOU—NEED TO CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM. Scrub the toilet and wipe it down—that stuff and the stuff of YOU, the royal YOU, you and the plumbing are ONE, quite literally in fact. The idea of separation and/or individuality is horseshite. But if you clean your bathroom—and likewise thy soul—I guarantee—a good cleansing transmogrifies the soul towards epiphany.

♊ Gemini -What is an exuberant, highly talented, rapid eye movement air sign like Gemini supposed to be doing during the time of solar Pisces, the mother of all oceanic energy, probably sniggering and chuckling at US light as air atmo, which merely holds water for a short time, usually till it makes landfall, and then the sheer heat and altitude and gravity of land brings it earthward once more? WE air signage are not merely a vessel, a water taxi, relegated to ferrying liquids to and fro about the earth. WE air are the embodiment of freedom—in your Gemini case, intellectual and emotional. For now, give the poor hitchhiking water a lift. It’s almost Aries time, and you become fuel to the phoenician flames of rebirth.

♋ Cancer –Now is your time to break a cycle and do something different. Maybe buy some new pants. Or maybe find your center and focus on the upcoming equinox and energetic shift from the current watery Piscean dreamtime neverland where anything is possible, and into the fast times at Aries Ridgemont High of spring and equinox and alchemical novus ordo seclorum, a sacred turning point in Mother Earth’s cycle. The Crab knows cycles—knows how to survive—strong shell, sideways defense, and can accommodate growth by finding a new shell—like physics, like the journey from micro to macro—the subatomic into carapacian flesh. Pisces into Aries implies significant alchemical levels of change and increased entropy. For now, ignore your own impatience and order some waffles. 

♌ Leo –You have got to calm down! Your of late accursed heart palpitations are bullshite—you are a lion for the sake of peat! The equinox and radical alchemical change of water into fire is nigh and imminent. The ocean might be as powerful a predator as you, so until the time of solar Pisces is complete, rest your muscle and watch the waters, as She changes and manipulates Herself into your favorite elemental—a young, impulsive and springtime rebirth in Aries. It’s almost time to light the match. For now, hang tight, and practice roaring.  

♍ Virgo – How can we not be subjective to an obviously massive tidal flow? Is it possible that the Moon doesn’t affect our life? That satellite caught yonder in our orbit is butt-ass huge, Dude—and as it swings around us, how can we not be literally implicated in its gravity? The Dr. Pants’ hyperbole, in this instance, is intended to illustrate the idea that we are so not alone, and that rather, we are indeed subjective to larger floes and a constantly exodynamic shifting of energies. But wait a tick—frak that. Even amidst the most dire of destinies unintended, we must have independency. Right? Belief, in freedom or otherwise, believe it or not, will set you free.

♎ Libra –Straight up, if you’re single, it’s the time to ask that special person for some funky friday nite date nite, especially if you make it Kung Fu Friday—chop chop, order some pad thai and get down to cases. If you’re a Libra in a relationship—hey, that’s cool: it’s time to surprise that significant sexy sexual roary roary roar other of yours with roses and bath time and loofa, and chocolate and sex and magic and union between the two like or unlike souls that have found comfort in each others’ most nether of regions. Single and go frak myself? Yes, there’s that too—all inclusive self love/hatred—todo bueno, muchacho/a. The once a year Libra full moon is inching closer—For this week, be cool and reach out. Or don’t. It’s your party.

♏ Scorpio –The Dr. Pants acknowledges the exceptions, but he/I believe they are in the minority percentage, but on the whole—Scorp’s don’t become mathematicians or physicists. Astronauts—yes, I can see that—the awesome and probably breathless perspective change to be falling high, high above Earth. And fer sure, you could learn the necessaries and prerequisites of numbers and formulas, but it better suits a mathematician to be beside and outside of oneself in order to view the awesome symmetry of what we might faintly call everything. And you are never outside yourself, and I wouldn’t advise otherwise. My advice—go ahead, feel some sexy kinky naughty math.

♐ Sagittarius –The Sag usually doesn’t like to sit around. In fact, I’m not sure you’ve ever sat around. Your’e always, let’s do something, even if it’s banal, mundane, jejune, pedestrian and full of ennui. It’s still something! Well…now is the time of solar Pisces, a tidally bulging, weighty, mature ocean sloshing up and against all the determined fire starters of the world. Now is your actual hibernation time, you big cuddly ursine archer. It’s not long till equinox and rebirthing alchemical change into fire and Aries and a moral imperative to get this party started. For now, rest and rejuvenate and ready your bow and arrows, Artemis—spring is nigh.

♑ Capricorn –After we wade through the currents of Piscean waters, to which the Goat is comfy and content in, due to its inherent and inherited bi-pedal massage and sexy time pleasure zones, the solar time will soon be of Aries, a fellow ruminant and outcropper, who happens, not unpurposefully, to be zodiacally opposite and equal to Libra, the second of three in line of hard to pin down air signs, full of speed and intellect and mental fortitude. But YEA, and HEAR YE! Soon be the time of intellectual fire—from a solar and galaxial pov anyway. Search deep inside for your inner Thomas Paine and ready your grammar. Fiery alchemical wordplay is on the docket after the current dreamtime mutates and combusts. 

Aquarius ♒ -Yes, technology changes over time, at different speeds, as tech increases—thank you Mr. Moore for quantifying that, but generally it’s always in forward motion, and we can expect that to continue apace. And as long as we maintain a (generally) capitalistic course—which also changes over time, perhaps at a similar rate to tech increase, and then add in my posit that unless we see an increase in the speed of our own evolution, specifically evolution of the brain and bodys’ link to consciousness, that we can assume the list of human abuses, both public and private, will also continue apace. You say you want a revolution. During this dreamtime neverland Piscean sea, account for all the pesky pragmatic math. We’d all love to see the plan.

♓ Pisces –Ahh, Piscean birthday time! Is there any more fascinating alchemical change in the western zodiac than from Aqua air, into fishy double fish water, and set loose to populate the sea, and then from sushi, into fire and technology and innovation and bold Aries genius? I think not. You are the ocean and the Dr. Pants is envious of his watery counterpart. In the today world, use your birthday to help the literal oceans and save the whales and hit the beach. Commune and consume deeply with thyself and everything. Happy birthday, you handsome smelly fish. 

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –The novus ordo seclorum, or new world order, as in the creepy insinuating latin on the Great Seal of the U.S., not so subtly hinting at conspiracy theories and nutjobs—yes that one—The NEW WORLD ORDER. Yeah, well, a better translation might be, the great series of ages begins anew. Which clearly implies a different subtext, à la it’s almost equinox, rebirth and Aries birthday time. So consider Virgil, who put it this way: ‘the great order of the ages is born afresh, justice and honored rules return, and a new lineage is sent down from high heaven’. Pause and consider before rebirthing time.

♉ Taurus - This week, you have one mission, which must be dealt with personally, not via proxy, no maid, no housekeeper, and furtherly, no agent, no attaché—no body but you, the royal YOU, as in physically and actually YOU—NEED TO CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM. Scrub the toilet and wipe it down—that stuff and the stuff of YOU, the royal YOU, you and the plumbing are ONE, quite literally in fact. The idea of separation and/or individuality is horseshite. But if you clean your bathroom—and likewise thy soul—I guarantee—a good cleansing transmogrifies the soul towards epiphany.

♊ Gemini -What is an exuberant, highly talented, rapid eye movement air sign like Gemini supposed to be doing during the time of solar Pisces, the mother of all oceanic energy, probably sniggering and chuckling at US light as air atmo, which merely holds water for a short time, usually till it makes landfall, and then the sheer heat and altitude and gravity of land brings it earthward once more? WE air signage are not merely a vessel, a water taxi, relegated to ferrying liquids to and fro about the earth. WE air are the embodiment of freedom—in your Gemini case, intellectual and emotional. For now, give the poor hitchhiking water a lift. It’s almost Aries time, and you become fuel to the phoenician flames of rebirth.

♋ Cancer –Now is your time to break a cycle and do something different. Maybe buy some new pants. Or maybe find your center and focus on the upcoming equinox and energetic shift from the current watery Piscean dreamtime neverland where anything is possible, and into the fast times at Aries Ridgemont High of spring and equinox and alchemical novus ordo seclorum, a sacred turning point in Mother Earth’s cycle. The Crab knows cycles—knows how to survive—strong shell, sideways defense, and can accommodate growth by finding a new shell—like physics, like the journey from micro to macro—the subatomic into carapacian flesh. Pisces into Aries implies significant alchemical levels of change and increased entropy. For now, ignore your own impatience and order some waffles. 

♌ Leo –You have got to calm down! Your of late accursed heart palpitations are bullshite—you are a lion for the sake of peat! The equinox and radical alchemical change of water into fire is nigh and imminent. The ocean might be as powerful a predator as you, so until the time of solar Pisces is complete, rest your muscle and watch the waters, as She changes and manipulates Herself into your favorite elemental—a young, impulsive and springtime rebirth in Aries. It’s almost time to light the match. For now, hang tight, and practice roaring.  

♍ Virgo – How can we not be subjective to an obviously massive tidal flow? Is it possible that the Moon doesn’t affect our life? That satellite caught yonder in our orbit is butt-ass huge, Dude—and as it swings around us, how can we not be literally implicated in its gravity? The Dr. Pants’ hyperbole, in this instance, is intended to illustrate the idea that we are so not alone, and that rather, we are indeed subjective to larger floes and a constantly exodynamic shifting of energies. But wait a tick—frak that. Even amidst the most dire of destinies unintended, we must have independency. Right? Belief, in freedom or otherwise, believe it or not, will set you free.

♎ Libra –Straight up, if you’re single, it’s the time to ask that special person for some funky friday nite date nite, especially if you make it Kung Fu Friday—chop chop, order some pad thai and get down to cases. If you’re a Libra in a relationship—hey, that’s cool: it’s time to surprise that significant sexy sexual roary roary roar other of yours with roses and bath time and loofa, and chocolate and sex and magic and union between the two like or unlike souls that have found comfort in each others’ most nether of regions. Single and go frak myself? Yes, there’s that too—all inclusive self love/hatred—todo bueno, muchacho/a. The once a year Libra full moon is inching closer—For this week, be cool and reach out. Or don’t. It’s your party.

♏ Scorpio –The Dr. Pants acknowledges the exceptions, but he/I believe they are in the minority percentage, but on the whole—Scorp’s don’t become mathematicians or physicists. Astronauts—yes, I can see that—the awesome and probably breathless perspective change to be falling high, high above Earth. And fer sure, you could learn the necessaries and prerequisites of numbers and formulas, but it better suits a mathematician to be beside and outside of oneself in order to view the awesome symmetry of what we might faintly call everything. And you are never outside yourself, and I wouldn’t advise otherwise. My advice—go ahead, feel some sexy kinky naughty math.

♐ Sagittarius –The Sag usually doesn’t like to sit around. In fact, I’m not sure you’ve ever sat around. Your’e always, let’s do something, even if it’s banal, mundane, jejune, pedestrian and full of ennui. It’s still something! Well…now is the time of solar Pisces, a tidally bulging, weighty, mature ocean sloshing up and against all the determined fire starters of the world. Now is your actual hibernation time, you big cuddly ursine archer. It’s not long till equinox and rebirthing alchemical change into fire and Aries and a moral imperative to get this party started. For now, rest and rejuvenate and ready your bow and arrows, Artemis—spring is nigh.

♑ Capricorn –After we wade through the currents of Piscean waters, to which the Goat is comfy and content in, due to its inherent and inherited bi-pedal massage and sexy time pleasure zones, the solar time will soon be of Aries, a fellow ruminant and outcropper, who happens, not unpurposefully, to be zodiacally opposite and equal to Libra, the second of three in line of hard to pin down air signs, full of speed and intellect and mental fortitude. But YEA, and HEAR YE! Soon be the time of intellectual fire—from a solar and galaxial pov anyway. Search deep inside for your inner Thomas Paine and ready your grammar. Fiery alchemical wordplay is on the docket after the current dreamtime mutates and combusts. 

Aquarius ♒ -Yes, technology changes over time, at different speeds, as tech increases—thank you Mr. Moore for quantifying that, but generally it’s always in forward motion, and we can expect that to continue apace. And as long as we maintain a (generally) capitalistic course—which also changes over time, perhaps at a similar rate to tech increase, and then add in my posit that unless we see an increase in the speed of our own evolution, specifically evolution of the brain and bodys’ link to consciousness, that we can assume the list of human abuses, both public and private, will also continue apace. You say you want a revolution. During this dreamtime neverland Piscean sea, account for all the pesky pragmatic math. We’d all love to see the plan.

♓ Pisces –Ahh, Piscean birthday time! Is there any more fascinating alchemical change in the western zodiac than from Aqua air, into fishy double fish water, and set loose to populate the sea, and then from sushi, into fire and technology and innovation and bold Aries genius? I think not. You are the ocean and the Dr. Pants is envious of his watery counterpart. In the today world, use your birthday to help the literal oceans and save the whales and hit the beach. Commune and consume deeply with thyself and everything. Happy birthday, you handsome smelly fish. 

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –The time where you don’t think, and you just go, just do, just activate your pleasure areas and centers are upcoming and nigh, and I suggest you begin gearing up. The equinox is 4 weeks away, and hence your birthday times, and ergo rebirth, and therefore death changing its mind back into life. You’re so close to balance, just hang tightly. When soon the sun shines via the power of the constellular Aries, all restraints will loosen and true star light will embiggen and unleash your true intent. Prepare thyself for exquisite torture.

♉ Taurus –In the week ahead of you, the Dr. Pants wants you to imagine that you are emanating from the perspective of two six year old best friends that are on a bus ride home from school, watching the myriad world go by, and commenting on it from that pov—what their world feels like and what it makes them think. In the now, for this end of this February, NOW, is dreamtime…and the distance between strings is exceptionally thin. Don’t judge what you see, just remember it—save you it can. 

♊ Gemini –The flower and the bee must work together in order to be mutually beneficial—coexistant—separately evolved partners, perhaps even of their own consent and conscious planning. Perhaps because not-god dreamt of a flower, and of itself it had no anima, no soul, and what was missing was its mate, its other, its fraternal twin sibling of a variable matrilineal heritage—We are approaching a spring equinox, and it’s nigh time to reconcile one’s disparate realities. Unite, you(s) allegedly divided Gemini.

♋ Cancer –Wherever you may find your corporeal self in the current currents of spacetime—yes, as if the universe is literally like an ocean, with different energy waves moving through it, but at a higher level of calculus than you’re used to—bear in mind that leaping from tide pool to tide pool is intended to be smooth, but can seem like an impossible jump. When you’re ready, and you’ll know—just leap, and the next pool will appear. Go Crabs!

♌ Leo –Drama and bullshite and falderal, as well as nabobism and horse poop and forgotten time spent in wasteful means due to an absent emotional incognito matrix, not to mention all the coy elizabethan fru fru, blah blah, blah de blah…de Blah. Here’s your future, which I doubt you’ll heed: this week, whatever you do, take a half hour, while the actual bricks and mortars are open, and go buy yourself something cool. Doesn’t have to be expensive, just cool. You’ve earned it.

♍ Virgo –The nigh time of our current sun is the solar time of your star child cousin—the fishy, yet earthy Piscean aquatic vertebrates with stubby little legs, attempting to evolve and explore the land. What if—What IF, the primordial slimy fish-folk—who must have desired a new environment, a new creative space to breathe air—yes, those Pisces types that are dramatically able and handy at forging new destinies and incarnating new fortunes at the drop of a genomic g, t, c, or even a—I’m just sayin—it might be a good time to emulate your astrologically elder sibling. For now and nigh, think pescatarian and breathe through your gills.

♎ Libra –I’d advise you to wear a silly hat, but not one that would hide your cherubic features, which I’ve arbitrarily decided is what you’re totally like—cherubs...little angels, happy or determined to be so, even amidst harrowing times and brow furrowing frustration, usually at the glacial pace of such trife and tribble—as in the parlance of our time—it’s a damn bunch of shite. Poverty, suffering and inhumanity amidst all this wealth, technology and innovation? W…T…Frak ? Yet you are an angel, and so be ware of your power.

♏ Scorpio –Your elder water sign is having a birthday time, and I posit that Scorpios could benefit from some older sibling Piscean thinking. Scorps often like diving deep, delving and searching by torchlight into the recesses of the human experience. Pisces also behaves like water, but while you are deep ocean, Pisces is the whole ocean, moving as one entity, regardless of the disparate degrees of atomic environs. Emotion and intellect, and hopefully without the inflated ego. Think fish, and kiss a Pisces friend.

♐ Sagittarius –I know—you want to rev your engines and go, just go, run unrestrained and free, catching warm updrafts and practicing with your new Deadelian wings. However, before you take a short hike off a long cliff, the Dr. Pants would like to remind you that this is a transformationally quiet time of year for the flaming archer residing in your cardiac region. Even the largest of creation, the biggest of bangs probably took the not-god a good while in pre-not-time to plan out. Incubation time. Gestation. Work your mind, not your wings…just till spring…just 4 weeks…and…BLAMMO.

♑ Capricorn –The time for frakking around is done. Your procrastination and apparent love of inaction is thoroughly depraved, and requires dismantling. Time is of the essence and better habits are the watchwords, so put your pants on, and show me the dance I know you’ve been distancing from, and shake that fine funky ass of yours to a rhythm that’s been restrained toward the chthonic spectrum. Even if for no reason, go out and rattle and jar and create and fornicate. Luck favors the bold. Go now.

Aquarius ♒ -The Dr. Pants has saved us—the royal US, the We/I, Aquarius US, for last in his/my prognosticating, and wow—are things looking UP! I/You/We’ve spent the last several months in emotional quarantine, despite our birthday sun times—possibly as a result of various perceived threats from outside sources of potential leeching and moray eel sucking bastards—whether real or imaginary—and shite, Dude! I/We—the Royal WE could really use a massage! Okay? So, the Dr. Pants…I/We/Our, recommend literally that—You/I/We get a serious massage and just chill—preferably with someone that you want to know better and more naked. You/We/I—are/am…the key(s) to a more beatific and adventurous future.

♓ Pisces –If your birthday is nigh, you are truly born at a strange cusp—all aerated from ironical and not actual water, teeming with ideas, first amongst raised hands and ready answers, and ill equipped to deal emotionally, probably because of all the blood flow to certain parts of the brain that are, shall we say, non-amygdallic? And then somehow reverse osmosizing and liquidating, becoming tidally accustomed, and emotionally in control of one’s own climatic zone, and heartily surging forth because of the simple discovery that your cusp moves as the ocean does. Happy Birthday, and dream of large women.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –There is a phantom kangaroo, or more specifically a French phantom wallaby hopping to cross your path, and bestow upon you the supremeliest of marsupial luck—known down unda’ to enhance and embiggen one’s sexual prowess and intellectual chutzpah. This out of place macropodidae has traveled all the way from France, where a population of wallabies has been successfully breeding in the wild since a storm freed them from a zoo back in the 70’s. So, prepare thyself for a wild French wallaby that will soon cross your path, bringing you crazy good down unda’ vegemite goodness. Le chance du pays des Kangourous pour toi !

♉ Taurus –Old school, thought extinct dreamtime, aborigine style—seemingly secretes liquid encroachment upon present time, warping our beliefs towards the empathetic end of the average human’s emotional spectrum, as if the oral history of our ancestors reflected our dream time activities, like our medullas were busy trying to conceive a language and evolve a growing understanding of what samsara we’re immersed in—consciousness—like a flower that never stops blooming. This week, merely breathe, like Vishnu, and channel your dreams into the now.

♊ Gemini –The Dreadnaught Hoax was quite a hoot, and not a crime of treason as it would be today. In 1910 a group of over educated and probably underemployed group of writers, including Virginia Woolf, dressed up in blackface as Abyssinian royals and got a free tour of the British battleship Dreadnaught, as well as with getting their picture taken with the captain and eternal bragging rights over the Royal Navy. This week, find some of your own literary British prankery. Don’t end up in jail, but the time is cosmically ripe for Gemini folk to catch other folks with their pantaloons down—all in the spirit of good fun of course. Prank often, prank early—no one will suspect you.

♋ Cancer –Full moon this week, like tomorrow in fact. Yet fret nary a whit nor a wight. Crabs are intimate with the moon goddess because crabs exemplify cycles—of earth and waves and gravity and forces that beyond our ken can sometimes alter our spacetime fabric and warp our brain cells into thinking that we should do something other than breathe and follow the Earth as she moves—more likely that our intervening hands bespoil and besmirch this perfect orb’s natural evolution. Minimal impact upon our environs. Relax-ey your taxi and La Luna will take care of the rest. Breathe..

♌ Leo –This weekend during the time of the full moon—in Leo btw, you may find yourself puzzling over something superfluous, but possibly groundbreaking and revolutionary. For example—at what temperature do zombies freeze solid? And further, if a frozen zombie is thawed out, do they just wake up peckish for brains and keep slogging onward? Do zombies have a beating heart pumping blood? Why am I wasting time thinking about this? Dammmit, now I must know. Whatever minutiae you meander through, let me know what you find out—it could save us all. Or maybe kill us all, I forget which. Anyhoo, happy full moon, tiger!

♍ Virgo –It’s time to put on your clever pants and take advantage of this weirdly illusory time in the cosmos, while the veils are thin betwixt your mind and your mind’s eye. For instance, if rather than an infinity of other universes with a different you, experiencing a different dimensional life, perhaps we’re like those Russian dolls—that when you open one, you find another, and another and so on, down to some infinitesimal version of the first doll; and further that, all the you’s are connected via some imaginary through line—perhaps your consciousness exists in multiple realities. Those other you’s are still part of the big YOU, as large as Vishnu. Shite to ponder, fer sure. Don’t over think, just find the through line.

♎ Libra –Sometimes dreams work out perfect, like with feel good vibes and images of one you love, or did love at some prior point, and they’re bathed in perfect light, on a balcony with trellises of small white flowers, and behind a screen of reflected white light, another, more serene balcony awaits, and she/he is sitting there—probably shirtless, or let’s say, comfortably sexy…and the air smells like sin and perfume, and the two of you meet, not with words, but rather only your collective lips—and preferably for a long dream time while, making out forever in dreamland happy time. And sometimes, the alarm goes off and interrupts your imaginary tryst with an ex girlfriend who’s into BDSM for some weird reason. Good luck.

♏ Scorpio –Occassionally we all find ourselves ensnared within the sphere of a blithering blatherskite, and whilst they monopolize your time with the myriad minutiae of their te- and o-dious existence, you can only hope that your initial reaction to such tripe and snipe is not displayed on your big bored face, out of courtesy and acceptance and understanding and sympathy and empathy and frak, why am I so tense all the time, and why can’t I just let shite go? WTFudge, man? Okay, let’s cool our collective jets…and find a happier niche in which to exist. Everything is happening…all we have to do is breathe.

♐ Sagittarius -Gong Hei Fat Choi! The year of the horse should be good to you considering that you’re an archer, symbolically anyway, and astro-logically associated with equestrianism, and since horses are a means and a symbol of kinetic energy, that a year based on equine qualities should treat you pretty sweetly. I recommend practicing the art of running free as well as freely. I also suggest that extensive and luxurious mane growing is in order. Freedom to be free, to create the next moment of your own will. With the full moon nigh, it’s time to aim boldly and foolishly high. Let’s ride.

♑ Capricorn –Goats are surprisingly clever, as well as agile. Their digestive systems are models of survival—they’ll try to eat just about anything—like tin cans, cardboard, and even Taco Bell. Comes out the other end, good as new! Hardy creature, the goat. As a Capricorn, your first breath in this world ex utero, the Sun was shining with the amplified power of the symbolic nature of the stellar goat…a constellation having to do more with man’s relationship with this eerily sentient food source, goats have evolved with us over time. My point is, is that you should put on your cleverest high altitude pants and scale the nearest mountain. It’s time to climb and get the lay of the land and maybe plow through some garbage, billy goat.

Aquarius ♒ -The sun is backed up by the Aquarian chorus of starlight till the 18^th, and we have a juicy full moon in Leo—the sign of our equal and opposite—and it’s on Valentine’s Day no less. Despite feeling less than perfect, or self critical in some arbitrary way, despite all that bullshite—right now anyway, we are so good looking and mysterious and convexed that mere mortals can only dream of our power. Put on your party pants, dive in, and make it personal. For now, the room is ours. Happy birthday, us.

♓ Pisces –It’s not happy happy Pisces time until the 18^th, so for now, just sit tight and quietly in awe of the end of the Aquarius train headed for awesome town. Aquarians admire the crap out your sweet blend of intellect and emotional proficiency—give us the sun till then. I, the Dr. Pants, knows at least one of your close friends is a person of Aquarian descent. Take him/her out to lunch, get them drink, and have a tawdry, but meaningful affair. It’s still their birthdays. Come the 18^th we’ll treat you to you all the trouble you can handle—all the tea in China for you, my fishy friend.