Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –The novus ordo seclorum, or new world order, as in the creepy insinuating latin on the Great Seal of the U.S., not so subtly hinting at conspiracy theories and nutjobs—yes that one—The NEW WORLD ORDER. Yeah, well, a better translation might be, the great series of ages begins anew. Which clearly implies a different subtext, à la it’s almost equinox, rebirth and Aries birthday time. So consider Virgil, who put it this way: ‘the great order of the ages is born afresh, justice and honored rules return, and a new lineage is sent down from high heaven’. Pause and consider before rebirthing time.

♉ Taurus - This week, you have one mission, which must be dealt with personally, not via proxy, no maid, no housekeeper, and furtherly, no agent, no attaché—no body but you, the royal YOU, as in physically and actually YOU—NEED TO CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM. Scrub the toilet and wipe it down—that stuff and the stuff of YOU, the royal YOU, you and the plumbing are ONE, quite literally in fact. The idea of separation and/or individuality is horseshite. But if you clean your bathroom—and likewise thy soul—I guarantee—a good cleansing transmogrifies the soul towards epiphany.

♊ Gemini -What is an exuberant, highly talented, rapid eye movement air sign like Gemini supposed to be doing during the time of solar Pisces, the mother of all oceanic energy, probably sniggering and chuckling at US light as air atmo, which merely holds water for a short time, usually till it makes landfall, and then the sheer heat and altitude and gravity of land brings it earthward once more? WE air signage are not merely a vessel, a water taxi, relegated to ferrying liquids to and fro about the earth. WE air are the embodiment of freedom—in your Gemini case, intellectual and emotional. For now, give the poor hitchhiking water a lift. It’s almost Aries time, and you become fuel to the phoenician flames of rebirth.

♋ Cancer –Now is your time to break a cycle and do something different. Maybe buy some new pants. Or maybe find your center and focus on the upcoming equinox and energetic shift from the current watery Piscean dreamtime neverland where anything is possible, and into the fast times at Aries Ridgemont High of spring and equinox and alchemical novus ordo seclorum, a sacred turning point in Mother Earth’s cycle. The Crab knows cycles—knows how to survive—strong shell, sideways defense, and can accommodate growth by finding a new shell—like physics, like the journey from micro to macro—the subatomic into carapacian flesh. Pisces into Aries implies significant alchemical levels of change and increased entropy. For now, ignore your own impatience and order some waffles. 

♌ Leo –You have got to calm down! Your of late accursed heart palpitations are bullshite—you are a lion for the sake of peat! The equinox and radical alchemical change of water into fire is nigh and imminent. The ocean might be as powerful a predator as you, so until the time of solar Pisces is complete, rest your muscle and watch the waters, as She changes and manipulates Herself into your favorite elemental—a young, impulsive and springtime rebirth in Aries. It’s almost time to light the match. For now, hang tight, and practice roaring.  

♍ Virgo – How can we not be subjective to an obviously massive tidal flow? Is it possible that the Moon doesn’t affect our life? That satellite caught yonder in our orbit is butt-ass huge, Dude—and as it swings around us, how can we not be literally implicated in its gravity? The Dr. Pants’ hyperbole, in this instance, is intended to illustrate the idea that we are so not alone, and that rather, we are indeed subjective to larger floes and a constantly exodynamic shifting of energies. But wait a tick—frak that. Even amidst the most dire of destinies unintended, we must have independency. Right? Belief, in freedom or otherwise, believe it or not, will set you free.

♎ Libra –Straight up, if you’re single, it’s the time to ask that special person for some funky friday nite date nite, especially if you make it Kung Fu Friday—chop chop, order some pad thai and get down to cases. If you’re a Libra in a relationship—hey, that’s cool: it’s time to surprise that significant sexy sexual roary roary roar other of yours with roses and bath time and loofa, and chocolate and sex and magic and union between the two like or unlike souls that have found comfort in each others’ most nether of regions. Single and go frak myself? Yes, there’s that too—all inclusive self love/hatred—todo bueno, muchacho/a. The once a year Libra full moon is inching closer—For this week, be cool and reach out. Or don’t. It’s your party.

♏ Scorpio –The Dr. Pants acknowledges the exceptions, but he/I believe they are in the minority percentage, but on the whole—Scorp’s don’t become mathematicians or physicists. Astronauts—yes, I can see that—the awesome and probably breathless perspective change to be falling high, high above Earth. And fer sure, you could learn the necessaries and prerequisites of numbers and formulas, but it better suits a mathematician to be beside and outside of oneself in order to view the awesome symmetry of what we might faintly call everything. And you are never outside yourself, and I wouldn’t advise otherwise. My advice—go ahead, feel some sexy kinky naughty math.

♐ Sagittarius –The Sag usually doesn’t like to sit around. In fact, I’m not sure you’ve ever sat around. Your’e always, let’s do something, even if it’s banal, mundane, jejune, pedestrian and full of ennui. It’s still something! Well…now is the time of solar Pisces, a tidally bulging, weighty, mature ocean sloshing up and against all the determined fire starters of the world. Now is your actual hibernation time, you big cuddly ursine archer. It’s not long till equinox and rebirthing alchemical change into fire and Aries and a moral imperative to get this party started. For now, rest and rejuvenate and ready your bow and arrows, Artemis—spring is nigh.

♑ Capricorn –After we wade through the currents of Piscean waters, to which the Goat is comfy and content in, due to its inherent and inherited bi-pedal massage and sexy time pleasure zones, the solar time will soon be of Aries, a fellow ruminant and outcropper, who happens, not unpurposefully, to be zodiacally opposite and equal to Libra, the second of three in line of hard to pin down air signs, full of speed and intellect and mental fortitude. But YEA, and HEAR YE! Soon be the time of intellectual fire—from a solar and galaxial pov anyway. Search deep inside for your inner Thomas Paine and ready your grammar. Fiery alchemical wordplay is on the docket after the current dreamtime mutates and combusts. 

Aquarius ♒ -Yes, technology changes over time, at different speeds, as tech increases—thank you Mr. Moore for quantifying that, but generally it’s always in forward motion, and we can expect that to continue apace. And as long as we maintain a (generally) capitalistic course—which also changes over time, perhaps at a similar rate to tech increase, and then add in my posit that unless we see an increase in the speed of our own evolution, specifically evolution of the brain and bodys’ link to consciousness, that we can assume the list of human abuses, both public and private, will also continue apace. You say you want a revolution. During this dreamtime neverland Piscean sea, account for all the pesky pragmatic math. We’d all love to see the plan.

♓ Pisces –Ahh, Piscean birthday time! Is there any more fascinating alchemical change in the western zodiac than from Aqua air, into fishy double fish water, and set loose to populate the sea, and then from sushi, into fire and technology and innovation and bold Aries genius? I think not. You are the ocean and the Dr. Pants is envious of his watery counterpart. In the today world, use your birthday to help the literal oceans and save the whales and hit the beach. Commune and consume deeply with thyself and everything. Happy birthday, you handsome smelly fish.