Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
♈ Aries –There is a phantom kangaroo, or more
specifically a French phantom wallaby hopping to cross your path, and bestow
upon you the supremeliest of marsupial luck—known down unda’ to enhance and
embiggen one’s sexual prowess and intellectual chutzpah. This out of place macropodidae has traveled all the way from France,
where a population of wallabies has been successfully breeding in the wild
since a storm freed them from a zoo back in the 70’s. So, prepare thyself for a
wild French wallaby that will soon cross your path, bringing you crazy good
down unda’ vegemite goodness. Le chance
du pays des
Kangourous pour toi !
♉ Taurus –Old school, thought extinct dreamtime,
aborigine style—seemingly secretes liquid encroachment upon present time,
warping our beliefs towards the empathetic end of the average human’s emotional
spectrum, as if the oral history of our ancestors reflected our dream time
activities, like our medullas were busy trying to conceive a language and
evolve a growing understanding of what samsara we’re immersed
in—consciousness—like a flower that never stops blooming. This week, merely
breathe, like Vishnu, and channel your dreams into the now.
♊ Gemini –The Dreadnaught Hoax was quite a hoot, and
not a crime of treason as it would be today. In 1910 a group of over educated
and probably underemployed group of writers, including Virginia Woolf, dressed
up in blackface as Abyssinian royals and got a free tour of the British
battleship Dreadnaught, as well as with getting their picture taken with the
captain and eternal bragging rights over the Royal Navy. This week, find some
of your own literary British prankery. Don’t end up in jail, but the time is
cosmically ripe for Gemini folk to catch other folks with their pantaloons
down—all in the spirit of good fun of course. Prank often, prank early—no one
will suspect you.
♋ Cancer –Full moon this week, like tomorrow in
fact. Yet fret nary a whit nor a wight. Crabs are intimate with the moon
goddess because crabs exemplify cycles—of earth and waves and gravity and
forces that beyond our ken can sometimes alter our spacetime fabric and warp
our brain cells into thinking that we should do something other than breathe
and follow the Earth as she moves—more likely that our intervening hands
bespoil and besmirch this perfect orb’s natural evolution. Minimal impact upon
our environs. Relax-ey your taxi and La Luna will take care of the rest.
Breathe..
♌ Leo –This weekend during the time of the full
moon—in Leo btw, you may find yourself puzzling over something superfluous, but
possibly groundbreaking and revolutionary. For example—at what temperature do
zombies freeze solid? And further, if a frozen zombie is thawed out, do they
just wake up peckish for brains and keep slogging onward? Do zombies have a
beating heart pumping blood? Why am I wasting time thinking about this?
Dammmit, now I must know. Whatever minutiae you meander through, let me know what
you find out—it could save us all. Or maybe kill us all, I forget which.
Anyhoo, happy full moon, tiger!
♍ Virgo –It’s time to put on your clever pants and
take advantage of this weirdly illusory time in the cosmos, while the veils are
thin betwixt your mind and your mind’s eye. For instance, if rather than an
infinity of other universes with a different you, experiencing a different
dimensional life, perhaps we’re like those Russian dolls—that when you open
one, you find another, and another and so on, down to some infinitesimal
version of the first doll; and further that, all the you’s are connected via some
imaginary through line—perhaps your consciousness exists in multiple realities.
Those other you’s are still part of the big YOU, as large as Vishnu. Shite to
ponder, fer sure. Don’t over think, just find the through line.
♎ Libra –Sometimes dreams work out perfect, like
with feel good vibes and images of one you love, or did love at some prior
point, and they’re bathed in perfect light, on a balcony with trellises of
small white flowers, and behind a screen of reflected white light, another,
more serene balcony awaits, and she/he is sitting there—probably shirtless, or
let’s say, comfortably sexy…and the air smells like sin and perfume, and the
two of you meet, not with words, but rather only your collective lips—and preferably
for a long dream time while, making out forever in dreamland happy time. And
sometimes, the alarm goes off and interrupts your imaginary tryst with an ex
girlfriend who’s into BDSM for some weird reason. Good luck.
♏ Scorpio –Occassionally we all find ourselves
ensnared within the sphere of a blithering blatherskite, and whilst they
monopolize your time with the myriad minutiae of their te- and o-dious
existence, you can only hope that your initial reaction to such tripe and snipe
is not displayed on your big bored face, out of courtesy and acceptance and
understanding and sympathy and empathy and frak, why am I so tense all the
time, and why can’t I just let shite go? WTFudge, man? Okay, let’s cool our
collective jets…and find a happier niche in which to exist. Everything is
happening…all we have to do is breathe.
♐ Sagittarius -Gong Hei Fat
Choi! The year of the horse should be good to you considering that you’re an
archer, symbolically anyway, and astro-logically associated with equestrianism,
and since horses are a means and a symbol of kinetic energy, that a year based
on equine qualities should treat you pretty sweetly. I recommend practicing the
art of running free as well as freely. I also suggest that extensive and
luxurious mane growing is in order. Freedom to be free, to create the next
moment of your own will. With the full moon nigh, it’s time to aim boldly and
foolishly high. Let’s ride.
♑ Capricorn –Goats are surprisingly clever, as well as
agile. Their digestive systems are models of survival—they’ll try to eat just
about anything—like tin cans, cardboard, and even Taco Bell. Comes out the
other end, good as new! Hardy creature, the goat. As a Capricorn, your first
breath in this world ex utero, the Sun was shining with the amplified power of
the symbolic nature of the stellar goat…a constellation having to do more with
man’s relationship with this eerily sentient food source, goats have evolved
with us over time. My point is, is that you should put on your cleverest high
altitude pants and scale the nearest mountain. It’s time to climb and get the
lay of the land and maybe plow through some garbage, billy goat.
Aquarius
♒ -The sun is
backed up by the Aquarian chorus of starlight till the 18th, and we
have a juicy full moon in Leo—the sign of our equal and opposite—and it’s on
Valentine’s Day no less. Despite feeling less than perfect, or self critical in
some arbitrary way, despite all that bullshite—right now anyway, we are so good
looking and mysterious and convexed that mere mortals can only dream of our
power. Put on your party pants, dive in, and make it personal. For now, the
room is ours. Happy birthday, us.
♓ Pisces –It’s not happy happy Pisces time until the
18th, so for now, just sit tight and quietly in awe of the end of
the Aquarius train headed for awesome town. Aquarians admire the crap out your
sweet blend of intellect and emotional proficiency—give us the sun till then.
I, the Dr. Pants, knows at least one of your close friends is a person of
Aquarian descent. Take him/her out to lunch, get them drink, and have a tawdry,
but meaningful affair. It’s still their birthdays. Come the 18th
we’ll treat you to you all the trouble you can handle—all the tea in China for
you, my fishy friend.
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