Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –The sky’s afire, friendo, and you can get some sweet deals on personal growth and a surefire way to inner peace through meditative types of—OH crap, even a purveyor of deserv’d calumnies such as the Dr Pants, would not stoop to bullshite apocalyptic truly horrible ‘scopery, such vapid flowery falderal—The start was true tho: the sky is afire. Imagine thisly: the combined mass of Jupiter and the Sun pulling Earth towards the constellation Leo, towards bold Promethean attempts to share magic with mortals. The king of the celestial jungle wants something, and it’s using lots of energy to do it. Give kitty what kitty wants.

♉ Taurus –Freud was a Taurus, and his intellectual reflection was Jung—a Leo btw—and let’s pause a moment, for we are at a quasi crossroads: From Taurus, via Gemininian air—Geminian air—no, that’s still wrong—any rate, earth to air to water to fire, to Leo—the leonine leadership that we all expect from the king of the celestial jungle, is working tenfold to ensure SHE gets what She wants. At 145pm PDT on 7/24, the constellation Aquarius, the Earth, and the Sun, as well as Jupiter, and then the constellation Leo will be in a ‘perfectly’ straight line—gravity working in favor of catalytic fire and innovative change. Turning point?

♊ Gemini –Forgive the Dr Pants’s brief foray into math, but imagine thusly: Jupiter can fit 1,300 Earths inside of it, and the Sun can accommodate 1.3 million Earths inside its nuclear innards, so furtherly imagine, the combined gravity of these two big ass gas bags in perfect alignment with the constellation Leo (145pm PDT on 7/24 btw), and all still in Leo for the next month—the largest percentage of ALL the mass in our solar system pulling on us with the gravitational gravitas of a stellar Lion, a skywalking manifestation of a celestial king, a fiery pride full of both Solar and Jovian strength, all in alignment, tho light years apart, with an air sign like you. Turning point?  

♋ Cancer -A female Cancerian crabby crab friend of the Dr Pants recently remarked thusly: "Hey, man, I just wanna be free, man, like, if I wanna see where that road goes, then Mamma gonna see where it goes.” Then, she added furtherly, “Nobody puts Mamma in a corner"—The Dr Pants is paraphrasing of course, but Don't Fence Me In does seem to be your theme song. In fact, it's summer, pretty Mamma, it's time you got outta doors for a night, go camping, watch some stars spin their way toward ‘cross heavenly climes, torture some marshmallows and get wasted on Rumplemintz and well rolled joints. Give me lots of land, lots of land under starry skies above…

♌ Leo –Astro-logically speaking, this time of year is a great for you to star in an 80's style love scene. The heavens want you to play some really slow period love making mojo music, turn down the lights, or maybe just by moonlight—No! Candles, tons of candles and rose petals—Ooh—and a hot tub, a water theme suits you...Yes, the heavens are calling all Leo's to put on their comfy pants and strut your ways into steamy, altho preferably not just simulated acts of passion and ardor, but full on integrated reality lovemaking—80’s style!—which will require showering, and then more lovemaking, and then probably another shower and a nap, then more 80's love juice. Nice work if you can get it... Happy birthday, tiger, welcome to your jungle, but watch out—it’s steamy & spiritually & literally orgasmic. Roar.  

♍ Virgo –Uranus is backward. Don’t sweat it, it’s temporary and part of the normal flow of stellar traffic for a huge gas bag like Uranus to go against the flow and spin cycles. Uranus is a wonderland, btw, it’s got a wacky orbit, and holds pretty tight to a reputation for surprises and unexpected behaviors, chaos even—Yet, fear not entropy, its mathematical rise and fall is inevitable and you’re already wired into it, like surfing—the waves come in unpredictably, but if you wait, if you’re aware, you can find the most pleasant ride. Entropy isn’t serendipitous, it’s happening all the time. Ride the waves.

♎ Libra –Because the Dr Pants is a fellow air sign, like minded thinker and agent of calm yet heartfelt analysis, he feels free to speak thisly: the Sun and Jupiter—the vast majority of ALL the mass in this here solar system—their combined gravity is pulling our usually sound judgment towards the constellation Leo, the interplanetary leonine catalytic converter, the astro equal and opposite of Aquarius—reputed spaced mad man—Wait—there’s more math: at 145pm PDT on 7/24, both giant gas bags will be in a straight line from Earth to Leo—Wait! That’s it! The whole Libra scaly balance thing—In this one moment for a second or so, there’s a straight line from the constellation Aquarius to Earth, to the Sun, to Jupiter, and straight on to constellular Leo. Gravity in the paws of a Lion—ROAR.

♏ Scorpio –Check this crazy shite: only once every 12 years does this crazy shite go down: both the Sun and Jupiter—the vast majority of ALL the mass in our solar system—pas de petites pommes de terre, no?—these massive gas bags are between us and the constellation Leo: all that gravity and physics and absurdly large numbers pulling us, dragging us towards the king of the celestial jungle, a skywalking dominatrix, whose astro equal & opposite is Aquarius, reputed mad man of the zodiac: And furtherly—for a brief moment at 145pm PDT on the 7/24, they’ll both be pulling on us, we the royal WE, towards the Lion’s den, at exactly the same degree—namely 5 degrees of Leo…there’s lotto numbers in there somewhere…but imagine all that power of attraction heavenly attuned to brilliance and insanity and leonine magnanimity. Sweet time to be alive. But you already knew that… ponder these grand gravitational gravitas, whilst the sky is thus afire.  

♐ Sagittarius –The last time these crazy cosmic shenanigans happened was back in ’02—aught 2? No that’s dumb… 2002—last time all this shite went boogedy. In space, right now, as you read this, both Jupiter and the Sun—the vast majority of ALL the mass in the solar system are aligned and pulling us towards the constellation Leo, the skywalking hakuna matata, probably wearing a leopard print thong and tube top, purring prideful prowess at the top of the food chain, yeah—that guy—all that gravity & gravitas in a direct line, even if for a brief moment, say 145pm PDT on 7/24. This whole week, tis best to have your greatest and most daring ideas at the ready, for tis cosmic time to self embolden and globally embiggen. Roar time, fire signs.

♑ Capricorn – Hot dizzy diggedy higgledy piggledy pork in a poke, and Bob’s your uncle, because this cosmic shite is dastardly daring and rebel ready to scorch any pervasive & pusillanimous authority that claims jurisdiction & jurisprudence over anything they don’t agree with, namely the advanced logic and sound argument of the Capricorn mind. Check it: the Sun and Jupiter—big ass gas bags, right—also the vast majority of ALL the mass in our solar system, are both aligned and pulling us toward the constellation Leo, the skywalking Lion, king of the celestial jungle, all that gravity & gravitas in a direct line to Roar Town. You must do what you feel is right, of course…

Aquarius ♒ -Brougham, there is a shite ton of interplanetary graviton waves from way out beyond the asteroid field headed for us, and a shite ton of it from Leo, the constellation that can catch, kill, and eat any food in the chain, aside from our opposing thumb having, tiger blood drinking human types... Jupiter just moved into Leo for the next year, the Sun is also in Leo, and Sat is a new moon, duh yes, in Leo—also btw, whilst I got your eyeballs, Mars blazes into Scorp after a retro shadow, so it's basically 200 proof firewater at a party with a guy sans limits. The Dr Pants's point is, is that the sky is on fire and endorphins are cheap. Have a better time with yourself and perk up, jerky, life's ablaze with creative Aquarii friendly shite. Go get yo’ self some, regret nothing, then rinse and repeat.

♓ Pisces –Were you a regular star gazer, you’d know that that particular point of light, over there to the southwest just above the horizon, is not a star but a planet—let’s say Mars, and of course you’d also know that as the night sky seems to spin above us, the Earth is actually spinning on its axis, right—and then, you’d double super know that certain sky lights go against that constant spinning motion, quite predictably btw, and they appear to move backwards in the sky, against the direction of spin of every other single point of light ad infinauseum® in the night sky—retrograde type shite, right? Okay, so—full disclosure here, Uranus is going backwards. Yes, Uranus moves backwards, against the flow of normal stellar traffic. You have a backwards Uranus. Fret not, it ain’t fatal, it’s temporary, so ease into it and go slow, it's summertime and the livin's easy, if a bit unpredictable and new to the psychological clime of the Piscean mind.