Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality futurism that doesn’t suck!

♈ Aries –Currently all fire signs vibe with the same good fortune: so, dig this shite and posit: Jupiter, big ass gas bag out past Mars, right, shoulda woulda coulda been a sun, contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets—combined, right and it changes signs once a year, due to its 12 year long orbit around the sun. Wait, there’s more: Jup gravity pulls on us all the time, but starting on the 16^th it will be pulling us towards the constellation Leo—fellow fire sign, and fire is creation, chemically it changes matter into some other kind of matter, it’s a catalyst. As we move towards a leonine mind set, make plans for your own bold actions. Nothing is out of reach.

♉ Taurus –The Dr Pants isn’t here to kiss your ass, so don’t ask me for a flowery bullshite account of your future and how your relationships will benefit from the current state of Mars, or the nigh Jupiter in Leo, nor how this asteroid or that planetary conjunction will benefit or increase your libido, make your junk more attractive, nor will he espouse the benefits of opening your heart to cosmic energy flowing from a distant constellation that’s dying in a corner of the sky—no, that’s all gutter balls & snipe hunts. The Dr Pants doesn’t have to tell the likes of your big brain that you create your own future by engendering the present with your best intentions and valiant efforts. Believe in no ‘scope. Time is ripe for self -confidence, -love and -acceptance.

♊ Gemini –The Dr Pants’s apologies in advance for the math, but check this crazy shite: Planets go retrograde, right, and Mercury came out of retro on July 1, right, as it happens, at around 23° of Gemini—around the ecliptic mind you, and furtherly when it began retrograde on June 7, it was at…yep, 23°—of Gemini—around the ecliptic mind you, and since the Dr Pants’s favorite number to obsess over is 23, not in a Jim Carrey way, but still it is a nifty numeral, point is, is that if you find yourself moving forward yet repeating something from 3 weeks ago—a Gemini déjà vu, fret not—it’s just business…simultaneously & intentionally harmless, helpful & inspiring.  

♋ Cancer -Innovators rarely receive recognition, nor $$—take the Tesla, the Nikolai, and how Edison took better advantage of early patent laws, instrumental in early north American capitalism, inventionally inspiring—actual intellectual property! And what has become of us? The largess of corporate power is perhaps too onerous to benefit society, as well the weight of dinosaurs on our collective fuel supply, regardless of the efficacy of solar and wind and tidal and geothermic and innovation which has been reined in, subsided, and depromulageted—Well, boogedy-boogedy, says the Dr Pants! Tis time for science & logic to replace mindless greed & psychotic capitalism—I’m talking to you, birthday Crab—assist us all thru the next tidal internecine. And happy birthday, you ancient crustacean you.

♌ Leo –You should be feeling stoked, amped, and about to be jacked—in a good way, and here’s some why: the massive gas ball shoulda coulda woulda been a sun in its own right, Jupiter, due to its 12 year orbit of the Sun, changes signs about once a year, and on the 16^th, it slides into the constellation Leo. Neat, right? Here’s more why: this gas bag is huge—so huge that it contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets combined—and it’s pulling on us all the time, right, but now it’s pulling us towards the constellation Leo, the epitome of the leonine mind. Imagine something that large and Leo friendly who wants to bringß us to Tiger Town—who knows what could happen! Buckle up and prepare to leap—you won’t need a net.

♍ Virgo –Here’s the deal: the Dr Pants only tells you because he knows you can handle deep shite: Mercury is going ‘forward’ again in the sky, altho—there’s still a lot of ground to be dug up, and you being an earthly sign, figured you’d know how to separate the worms from the dirt, so that we can go fishin’ & get drunk. So, Merc started going backwards June 7 at about 23° of Gemini, and came out of retro on July 1, at—23° of Gemini. Fun math, right? Probably means nothing right? Probably. Tho the Dr Pants suggests—not engenders nor espouses, but mos def suggests that you may feel like your playlist is on repeat—a little Gemini déjà vu. This time, the Dr suggests changing channels and plotting a new course. Time is ripe for new futures.

♎ Libra -For the following week, be prepared for an conflagration of super powers that will endow you with big post solstice pheromones and kick ass new moons, new beginnings, and a blazoning sword lightening the way towards the next incarnation your of boomstick. What? Oh yes, the shizznit: this ball of energy is imminent to your face and your prospectus, so act accordingly. This is the time of year, in the northern hemi anyhoo, that you should strut your peacock self all over the runway and into the audience, who will be too mesmerized by your radiance to utter anything but plaudits. The Dr Pants currently admires you. You reek of refulgence. Be bold & audacious.

♏ Scorpio –Good query you posited: Why is water representationalized & sensationalized as emotional, turbulent, unpredictable, and so manipulated by the movements of a nearby moon—which its nigh impending fullness will be shining in conjunction with Capricorn starlight. Cap is like Scorp’s lover from another mother figure—earth & summer and growth & pulchritude, a panacea for senses grown weary with backwards Mercury and a too oft cruel & intolerant world. Back to posit: in super old timey Babylonian days, the Cap was known as the sea goat, an earth sign that lives in a water region of our sky—and water is fundamental, scientifically & literally it’s the universal solvent, and soon you and a sea goat will make some really nice music together. Try not to overdo it, but go ahead, put your party pants on.

♐ Sagittarius –Big doins, check this shite: Jupiter, big ass gas bag out past Mars, right, shoulda woulda coulda been a sun, contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets—combined, right and it changes signs once a year, due to its 12 year long orbit around the sun. Wait, there’s more: Jup gravity pulls on us all the time, but starting on the 16^th it will be pulling us towards the constellation Leo—fellow fire sign, and fire is creation, chemically it changes matter into some other kind of matter, it’s a catalyst. As we move towards a leonine mind set, make plans for your own bold actions. If there is no light, you’re the only one who knows how to make it. Light something up.

♑ Capricorn -For the next little while, all of the artless subterfuge, shallow chicanery, underhanded calumnies, crookery & crockery, jiggery & pokery, legerdemain, skullduggery, shady biz, underworld double dealing and bald pated bullshite that are so often part and parcel of the cruel workaday world will abate, diminish, skip town, skedaddle, subside, and jump back to good ol’ DefCon 5 for at least the next 2 months. Technically, we’re always between earth signs, but this embrace twixt Taurus and Virgo is especially tender (for the northern hemi anyhoo), so chillax til the Sun turns towards Virgin territory, uncharted waters, proto-simian fire and Prometheus unbound & likely up to no good. For now, it’s summertime, the livin is easy.

Aquarius ♒ -the Dr Pants decrees that your muse for the week is the Sag Jimi Hendrix, the king of all airs and heirs, and at times some fire is required to transit to a higher atmo and more challenging stratospheres. Let’s get specific: hear the album Axis Bold As Love, listen to it, then hear it again, then grok it, maybe keep it on in the background so your subsonic subconscious can get its jive on/off. Translate to a higher dimension and drop the ballast you’ve been carrying, deoxygenate your excess molecules, and loft your big consciousness into higher altitudes, and gain a better perspective and prospectus. This summer will prove revelatory and laudatory—if you let it in, and let ‘IT’ out. Now is a time of action.

♓ Pisces -In the official opinion of the Dr Pants, Cancer, your fellow water sign and easy prey for the likes of a Pisces, the ol’ Crab gets an undeserved reputation about being secretive sidewinding care givers, so let’s dispel some shite: 1) the crab, as in the crustacean, right, has existed for over 500 million years, thru multiple ice ages and planet wide extinction episodes—they’ve even survived how delicious they are to us humans! Metaphorically, they’re unbreakable. And 2) Cancer might literally represent tidal water flows, but Pisces is water incarnate and worldwide. Find a Crab, kiss him/her on the mouth, and nurture their evolution. +, maybe read Scorp.