Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated
with horror or scopes of any ilk)
TO BE HONEST, ONLY
LEO AND LIBRA KNOW
WHERE IT’S AT, MAYBE READ THEM TOO.
♈ Aries Your power song of the week goes spookily like this: I woke up this mornin' with the
sundown shinin' in
/ I found my mind in a brown paper bag within / I tripped
on a cloud and fell eight miles high /
I tore my mind on a jagged sky / I
pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it in /
I watched
myself crawlin' out as I was crawlin' in
/ I got up so tight I couldn't
unwind
/ I saw so much I broke my mind
/ Someone painted, 'April Fool' in big
black letters on a 'Dead End' sign /
I had my foot on the gas as I left the road
and blew out my mind
/ Eight miles outta Memphis and I got no spare
/ Eight
miles straight up downtown somewhere
/ I just dropped in to see what condition
my condition was in. Yours is fine btw…but maybe add some spice--life is
unfairly short.
♉ Taurus Your power Greek Titan of the week
is----Prometheus! Firstly, keep in mind that we are now in solar Scorpio—your
opposite and equal zodiacal partner. You and Scorp are all about
transitions—changes from form to form and from ether to either. Your H’ween
costume should be Prometheus—creator of man, bringer of fire, teacher of
hunting and survival skills. The rest of us need you to be the ctatalyst for
change. Prometheus was the one immortal who stood up to Zeus and his cronies
who didn’t want mankind around, much less to be blessed with fire. Your powers
are ancient and this week it’s your time to bring the fire, so we can all use
it.
♊ Gemini I hope you’re not ophidiophobic, because your power decapitated head of the
week is Medusa’s---specifically the one in the Rubens painting—a visceral and
unearthingly askewed view on agony. This ensnaked head you should wield against
all evil forces including in-laws, gorgons, lycanthrope frankenweenies and
purple people eaters. Just grab the decapitated head by the snakes—don’t worry,
most of them are dead---and all that bad mojo will melt like that bald guy’s
face in Raiders, and everything will be right as rain. And don’t forget to
blindfold that corpse head when not in use. Happy Day of the Dead!
♋
Cancer Even the Dr. Pants doesn’t know for certain whether
the universe was created by a big gassy explosion from nothing, or if our
‘verse is but one thought in the mind of a Brahman and when it exhales we will
be gone as if we were never here. Howsomeever, in these the H’ween times while
the veil betwixt the mortal world and the next undiscovered country is spookily
thin, it is your time to invent a new Creation Myth, your version of how all
this began and where you come from—hot gassy nothing, or a happy Brahman who probably
does a lot of cosmic yoga—maybe we came into being after we hitched a ride on a
cosmic turtle. You = Vishnu—for the time being. Dream ridiculously BIG.
♌ Leo All white cats with blue eyes are not
always deaf. But a goodly percentage of them are. All white cats with two
different colored eyes, tend to be deaf in the ear next to the blue eye.
Creepy, yes, but also food for thought. Posit: not all all-white cats with
different colored eyes are also deaf in at least one ear. But an impressive
percentage of them are. What have we learned here? That science is akin to poo
poo? Possibly. That cats are egomaniacs? Yes, obviously. More blatantly put,
genes do stuff, pretty much autonomously, and fuck your consent at the mercy of
the governors who run this rum joint. You… are that weird eyed cat. Meow time,
bitch.
♍ Virgo There’s always a bigger fish. This
week howsomeever, you are The Doomsday Machine from the Captain Kirk times, a
planet eater—in fact, your H’ween costume should be that of a juggernaut, a
Blob, an all-encompasser, a big hoary thing which cannot be stopped or impeded.
That said…the bigger fish is rumored to be hitting town before the taking of
the turkey time november ways, but for now, at least a solid couple weeks,
you’re the golden calf boy, sought after as a panacea by all faiths and
ideologies. You’re type O blood, man. You are Galactus with good intent. Go
now--eat planets and poop knowledge and kind words.
♎ Libra You Librans, you’re not animals—you’re not a crab or a
goat or a scorpion, you’re an idea--the next gen embodiment of an idea. Like a
balancing rock. While
erosion has occurred all around you, you remain a tower of seemingly
precariously perched rocks that tower into the sky in bizarre shapes, most
notably like the ones in Roadrunner cartoons. This week, your Libran scales are
geologic. You’re patience amidst a world with a passion for declivity. Now,
H’ween time, the ether be thin twixt here and the nether world of dreams…hold
your breath, make a wish, count to three.
♏ Scorpio Halloween
/ Samhain / the West Hollywood Parade all occur within Scorpio—what a shocker.
The time when the veil betwixt this and the nether world is thin and wispy, and
from whence we the living can touch, comport, or otherwise hang with---the non-corporeal,
the living dead, and that which is beyond our ken whilst we wear this weird
body made of sensual meat. Imagine—the entire northern half of the planet
descends into literal darkness at the time you’re birthed onto this plane. You
are the catalyst. You go to 11. This is your witching season. This is your
time. Be what you’re like. Be like yourself. Relish the energy and the power,
for soon it will be winter. And happy birthday, you rakish faerie.
♐ Sagittarius Your power
centaur of the week is of course---Chiron. Yes, the one with the asteroid named
after it. As opposed to your average centaur, who favored drinking and
‘horsing’ around, Chiron was sober and dedicated teacher and healer.
Sagittarius, embodied by the centaur, arrow in action aiming pure will
target-wise, and with perfect release, creating action, and creation and
singularities exploding into new ‘verses where you and I can hang out and chat about the nature
of the multiverse, which you helped create and engender. Be Chiron, take aim,
get shit done, then let’s have cocktails.
♑ Capricorn Grab your
crotch and goat up because this may come as a shock, but the Capricorn you know
of both in astrology and astronomy as a surefooted mountain climby goat—has
actually been a half goat, half fish since give or take the early Bronze Age.
Don’t fret—it’s only because your position in earth’s night sky is amongst
other water related formations, like Aquarius and Pisces---you live in a cosmic
neighborhood that’s very soupy, probably a lot of fog, possibly down by the
docks. You are a goat fish. The true extent of your powers is only fractionally
realized. Dive deep, goat fish and bring back all that you can learn. Your
future lies toward the Sargassic side. Think green and fertile.
Aquarius
♒
I won’t bother you with scares
and skeletons and tales of the undead and/or vengefully wronged that after
death have come back to haunt the living simply because they can…I know you’re
smarter than ghost stories. Possibly even a total atheist. And hey—why not
right? Science seems to be on our side here. Howsomeever, if I may--this time
of year is a mile high mile marker where the ether is thin betwixt us and any
potential netherworlds. If anything one could imagine could potentially be true
or become reality, is not now the time to practice upon it? Cast your future
brain future wise and see what’s ahead. If you think of it, report back, we’re
all curious.
♓ Pisces From time to time, Aquaman rides a hippocamp---a big
purple half horse, half fish, like a big seahorse, but less male birthing the
young type and more riding into battle atop an underwater steed of immense
horsepower and testosterone….and this week you also ride the hippocamp---not
Aquaman’s hippocamp, but another one of equal strength—any color you
like—there’s even a zebra horse fish one! As usual you will communicate your
mount telepathically, across a dimension of inner space that redefines reality
as we know it. No pressure though. It’s gonna take you awhile to tame the
hippocamp, and then you have to name him, which is a three week ceremony
carried out at hippocamp puberty. You have time to learn the responsibilities
of riding a hippocamp. Good fortune!
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