Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –If a scorpion asks you for a ride across the river just because you know how to swim, maybe counter offer with him giving you a ride, because we all know what happened to the frog, right? It's my nature, my ass. Brief astro primer: in Oct little bastard Mercury started to move into Scorpio for its yearly 3 week stay, but due to a retrograde got sucked back into Libra’s insatiable lust for things intended to remain hidden. The god Mercury btw was the emissary and guide to the Underworld, and the Scorpion is symbolic of the afterlife and all things trying to evade the light, and in this case the river in question is Styx. The Dr Pants isn't saying avoid all Scorps and what they're selling, just beware their wares for they may illuminate a world you had yet to imagine.

♉ Taurus –Nice full moon in Taurus this week right? Not too stumbly, bumbly, or crisis inducing, like so many a full moon in more erratic signs. And this week continues to be all about Scorpio, your astro opposite, equal and oftentimes horndog bedmate. The Sun, Mercury, Venus and big gas bag Saturn are all in the same corner of the sky trying to reap the whirlwind out of the wild Scorpionic ride into the Underworld, thru the afterlife, and rebirthing back into this current samsara at month's end when we’ll traverse into a Sagittarius Sun, for an other worldy education that should make November eye opening, catharsis inducing, like the end of a shroom trip—intense and then… all tingly and good.

♊ Gemini -Back in Oct. when old hot little bastard Mercury—so close to the Sun btw that it orbits once every 3 Earth months, causing not coincidentally 3 Merc retrogrades per annum—yet fret nary, for Merc's done making waves, but a month back Merc tried to move into Scorpiotown, but due to retrograde got sucked back into Libra for some extra canoodling, cavorting and coercion, possibly in the form of handcuffs and spankings—and yet somehow Scorpio gets the nympho reputation, ha! This week on the 8th, Merc will escape the mistress Libra and go back into Scorpio again, not coincidentally, for about 3 weeks, and what was put off or stowed for later use may come back for a visitation, hands on healing, and intimate mutual decisions. Try to act surprised.

♋ Cancer –Lest we forget, hot little bastard Mercury travels thru all 12 signs in one Earth year for about 3 weeks each, and last month Merc started its journey thru Scorpio when a retrograde happened and pulled Merc back into Libra for extra sessions of tongue lashing worship and idol conversations. Retroactively, the god Mercury was known as an emissary and guide to and from hell, the afterlife and all things chthonian, where all souls and shadows of souls shall ever reside, and as of the 8th, he'll finally re-start his 3 week play date with Scorpio, who btw is symbolic of the Underworld and all things unseen, unheard and kept from the light. Resurrection? Possibly. Walking undead? Mayhap. A mysterious journey to the heart of it all? Most likely. Ride the scorpion, learn the truth.

♌ Leo –Quick astro primer for you too-busy-to-study, leonine savannah stalkers: Mercury goes thru each of the 12 signs every Earth year for about 3 weeks a pop, and in early Oct. it tried to move into Scorpio, but then a retrograde happened—happens 3 times per annum btw—and hot little bastard Merc got sucked back into Libra for extra snuggle and spanking time, either with or without handcuffs and spandex. But as of the 8th, Mercury finally gets to traverse the length of the Scorpion from stem to stern and tip to tail, but what happens inside the scorpion won't stay there because Scorpio wants to shine light on everything no matter how many layers lie atop. Open the doors and let the sun shine in, clear the cobwebs and deal with whatever Pandora has to offer, it'll be a welcome change and manna from heaven fer sure.

♍ Virgo – You've already waited forever, what's another year? Wait, no that's BS, sure there's timing to be considered, but there's big shovel ready projects awaiting green lights, like clean your bathroom, set up an IRA, go back to school, learn to drive a stick in case of zombie apocalypse, in fact maybe learn a new skill every week to prepare for the inevitable undead onslaught, which is estimated to be sometime in 2022, which if you don't think times a flyin, consider that 2022 is only 8 years away, so quit dawdling, farting around and hay stacking cause it's time to spend some spiritual capital and raise your earthly estate to the next incarnation. The sky’s suggest you put off no further. Iron = hot, strike, then watch the sparks.

♎ Libra -Something, someone or even someplace might come back to haunt, rejoice or even blast you off on an unexpected course due to celestial shenanigans, which the Dr Pants will explicate thusly: hot under the collar Mercury, named after the god who has a free travel pass in and out of the Underworld, started his once a year journey into Scorpio when one of a thrice yearly retrograde happened and Merc got sucked back into Libra, who apparently hadn't been fully satisfied, consequence is Libra got way more Merc time. Howsomeever, retro is done and as of the 8th the Scorpion, symbolic of the Underworld itself, will get to have its way with Merc, Underwolrd sherpa, for about 3 weeks. Past life experience intruding on present time? Another Tunguska Blast of 1909? A chance to do it again, but better? Mayhap. Keep your senses peeled and alert.

♏ Scorpio –Heliocentrically speaking, we’re deep within the bowels and innards of the sky Scorpion with a couple weeks yet to go. And as of the 8th, hot little bastard Mercury finally gets its Scorpio three week getaway, after Libra got greedy and took advantage of a retrograde. Furtherly, until the 16th sea foam nympho Venus is also in Scorpio. Things are definitely coming up Scorp, and while it lasts, continue letting the sun shine in on all of your agenda, dark will become light, heavy will become weightless and worrisome will become irrelevant. Party on, Garth and happy birthday times, you sexy underworld beast. Your shite literally don't stink.

♐ Sagittarius -Quick astro and historical primer: Mercury was named for a god who could travel freely between this 'real' world and the after-life, he was an emissary and guide to all things dark and secret from both humanity and the light of day. That said, because of a recent retrograde, Merc got sucked back into Libra and waylaid from its journey thru the Scorpion, which as of the 8th will be begin in earnest and rarin’ to go after a long wait. Furtherly, the Scorpion is symbolic of the Underworld, and little bastard Merc is headed straight down into the great maw of the allegedly poisonous beast. Keep your arrows at the ready, un-dope thine eyes, a journey is afoot.

♑ Capricorn -Last month, hot little bastard Mercury started down the garden path into the land of Scorpio, symbolic of the Underworld and things better kept hidden from an easily driven mad humankind, but then retrograde happened as it does 3 times per annum for Merc, and it got sucked back into Libra for some extra probably kinky coital services, and Scorp gets the nympho reputation, ha indeed! But as of the 8th, Merc and Scorp will have their 3 week play date. Also of note: The god Mercury was the emissary and guide to the Underworld, the afterlife and everything that lay beyond our human ken. That said, what have you repressed, buried or left for dead? Resurgence? Possibly. Reincarnation? Mayhap. Secrets and truthiness? Mos def. Trippy shite, yo.

Aquarius ♒ -The god Mercury, emissary and guide to the Underworld and also a super heated planetoid, will finally begin its 3 week play date in the Underworld via Scorpio, master of death and frequent flyer of Underworld Airlines, after a lengthy retrograde stay in Libra. This combination of Merc and Sun in Scorp won't prove lethal, but probably enlightening, catharsis inducing and knowledge endowing. What have you buried, put off, left for later/never? What have you been avoiding, averting or ascribing to someone else's back yard? Might even be stuff you've completely forgotten about. Time is ripe to revisit, revitalize and refresh. What you don't see has been missing your touch.

♓ Pisces -Despite Halloween having come and gone, the Underworld and afterlife are the celestial themes for the week, so the Dr Pants will leave you in the good hands of John Milton from Devil's Advocate, aka Al Pacino, aka the devil himself. "You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desie; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?" Time to get your van down to the river Lethe, the river of dreams, sleep and avoidance, clean the debris from her shores and prepare for an unexpected, more humble and wide open future.