Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Satire is extremely lucid, despite appearances.
this week: Ke nono au, e kala mua mai, i keia manawa ho'i. And I mean that.
Doc P’s Word of the Week: There may be a clue of sorts somewhere below.
pettifog
Aries- Astrology probably exists because the world would be a lot less scary if we could predict the future. Just think of all the falderal, monsters, potholes and horse plop that you could easily sidestep. If only. Currently though, we’re stuck with odds makers. The future is at best a stab in the dark with a floppy noodle, which coincidentally was my nickname in middle school, for obvious reasons, mostly gym class. And how is gym a class anyway? Point is, if we could know the path we’re on, we’d have to invent a reason to walk it. Knowing what door you’ll walk through tomorrow is a hindrance, not a help; it’s a ‘verse full of illogic and backwards facing gnomes. What appears to be adversity is actually opportunity, just like the overused japanese crisis metaphor that so plagued us during the 1980’s. Don’t pettifog. Don’t equivocate. The path is yours for the stepping.
ps: Please read Capricorn. Or else…
Taurus- I hereby pledge all my remaining earthly days to creating in real time, the lost vision of one of my heroes, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, which after I get a robot body in 2069, could well last into the 22nd century; especially after Apple Corp. works through all the bugs of the first few generations and I can have a decent camera on both my front and back. Video chatting with yourself will be all the rage in the future; it’s like looking at your image in two mirrors producing an infinite amount of yous—super trippy. Anyhowdy, my mad genius Coleridge created--- The Pantisocracy® (patent pending). Sam won’t mind, he’s dead, and we’re cool like that and screw him anyway. A Pantisocracy is a utopian society. All I need is a frontier that I can head to and get my cult going--- I mean utopia. Those two things shouldn’t be so easily confusable. My advice is to observe what you think makes you happy. Interrogate it under the scrutiny of sane thought, and make sure that it suits you.
Gemini- I decided we should take umbriage at the word welch. As in, you’re a welcher for not paying me my extortion money. I did a couple minutes of intense research and found that dictionaries don’t want to discuss its origins. However, I surmise, probably correctly, that since the english have a pretty solid track record of destroying and/or assimilating other cultures, that the Welsh have had to bear the burden of being known as dishonest people, because of their refusal to bow before an English king. Located in mountainous
territory, Wales is a bit afganistanish, and probably difficult to root out all those darn insurgents/indigenous peoples. But maybe all cultures have the same basic instinct to kill or bring ‘the other’ into the fold; perhaps to prevent ‘the other’ from doing the same unto you. The english had better weapons and a finer sense of cruelty over the long haul. And maybe those ‘innocent’ ‘indigents’ had displaced other peoples before our obsessive record keeping, back when the world was passed orally to the future over the lips of shamans and story tellers. Don’t be a welcher. Be a WelshMan. And claim your kingdom in a weird language that sounds viking.
Cancer- The brown rat, aka the Norwegian rat (for obvious reasons), lives everywhere-- not just Norwegia. They’re the second most successful species on the planet after humans. They’re problem solving survivors. Except in Alberta, Canada. In the early 50’s, the government approved a naziesque eradication plan, that today has resulted in a nearly rat free province. The efficacy of industrial poisons is inescapable. I wonder if the Albertanians (Albertanites?, Albertanionians?) know what they’re missing? Certainly we would frown on any other sentient species being so thoroughly expunged. What if we decided to eliminate whales and dolphins? Or apes and monkeys? Oh wait, we are trying to eliminate them. What would the dodo say if he were alive today? Probably nothing intelligent, but nevertheless, I say we stand united against sentient massacres of all kinds, regardless of their disease carrying proclivities. Who else is going to live in the sewers? Not including certain alligators and eloi weirdos, of course. Speaking of, what lies in your fetid underworld that would be much healthier being brought into the light of day? Don’t expel, eradicate or banish. Rather, embrace, nourish and exalt.
ps: Please read Gemini, Or else…
Leo- Courtly Love allowed for a woman to have a mister. By which I mean, that it was allowable and expected that even a woman could and should be attracted to another man. Frak all, that marriage became so victorian, so controlling, so… monogamous. The very definition of zealot insists on taking things far too afield of the Middle Path. Although, projecting love and/or obsession onto a woman who is unavailable may be indicative of some backwards and unhealthy male projection, based on, most likely, maternal rejection. Why love a woman who is unreachable, unavailable and unassailably erudite, exotic and sex-built—you are an epitome of what should be worshipped and adored and wrapped around me like a snake in a garden in an arbitrarily designed matrix that says that love of another ist verboten und shaddenfreude. Ach tung, baby! What a flummoxing factotum of flux frik frakking my fractured fizzle fazzle finger farts… ah what’s the use, when you desire an untouchable. The queen’s hegemony is over and the world is ours for the tasting, if only in spirit and disguised smiles.
Virgo- You waylaid and deposed me. I was just trying to hitch across your great disjointed states, your union of beautiful trespass that I’ve so oft admired. You are a federation of islands, a micronesia covered in jungle and sand and surfboards, and cocoanuts the size of C-cups that plop softly onto your beach-- no two alike, and dedicated to the proposition that I wish to be indoctrinated into you, made citizen of your
lands, and welcomed with open arms whenever I slide onto your beachhead, exhausted from my kayaking ‘cross the vast oceanus. My ensconcement in your fjords and tide pools is a salty oasis from the dire straits of the open sea. The doldrums, and the trade winds are too rough for one as bonobo as me. And though global warming and penguin erasing may take us a bit under, making your land all the more precious, this time is ours, now and forever, love without end.
Libra- According to Guinness, and possibly Hoyle, Mamihlapinatapai is the most succinct word ever created and the most difficult to translate. It’s a Yaghan word from the indigenous people of what is now Tierra del Fuego. It’s a look shared by two people, each wishing the other would offer something that they both desire but are unwilling or unable to offer themselves. That must have been a very deep society before the west trampled all over it in search of gold and/or a reason to exist besides a god that wants war all the time. What a moment in time for the ’verse to manifest. It may be someone you know, or someone you catch in passing, a random handshake that propels your imagination into a possible future, but one that cannot exist in our timeline. Opportunities passed up, because there is only one path, right? And ours is one of chastity and forbearance, because abstinence is the key to happiness, as well as quiet empty rooms. Right?
Scorpio- Ah, love… what a rub. Actually the rub may be the forced monogamy of our man-woman-marriage-dystopia, that provides no chances for even a figmentary moment of escape into the rapture of satisfying our inevitable desires because they lie outside the covenant of wedded bliss; feelings will be hurt and we’ll probably go to hell for eternity, which ironically is what every night is without you in my arms. Covenant: a pact, usually made before god. I proclaim us neo-Victorians, or to coin a moniker, the neo-Vics©. With 7 billion people on the earth, the odds of being attracted to, or even falling in love with more than one person over the course of a lifetime is even and/or steven. I’m not advocating any changing of horses midstream, I’m just making a comment on a possible future for the party platform of the neo-Vics©, WE who will change the morays to suit our occasional dalliances and kiss those who need kissing.
ps: Please read Leo and Virgo. Or else…
Sagittarius- Firstly, I am not a foot fetishist. Just wanted to get that out of the way because even though there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just not my thing, at least with my own feet, which are, to no surprise, hobbitish. Secondly, let’s get to the elephant feet in the room and discuss the ancient practice of feet washing. Jesus allegedly washed his apostles’ feet and said do it for other folks. In parts of India, feet touching or washing has more to do with respect, particularly of elders. I wash my own feet everyday because otherwise they smell. But it’s my burden, and I don’t have any societal conditioning to force me to do it and justify why I like others washing my nethers, or my feet for that matter. I’m ambivalent to the whole thing. Thirdly, 1. Find some feet. I understand if you’re anti-hobbit. 2. Wash them. 3. Examine how you feel. I predict it will be as clean as the feet you just washed.
Capricorn- I know you’ve been looking for the perfect billiard metaphor to give as a gift, so feel free to regift the hell out of this one. Each pool shot seems like a distinct moment in time that can never be reproduced in exactly the same manner. Well… maybe if we invent a Minnesota Fats robot. Each ball configuration (you have no idea how hard it is for me not to make a joke about that clever turn of phrase— super hard) is unique. However, those balls are moving. Not only is the earth moving under the balls (Carole King’s alternate lyrics), but the atoms that make up the ball are moving, as well as the atoms in the table. There’s more space in those balls than there is balls. Nothing is ever still or distinct, except as a mathematically infinitesimal fraction of a quantum that upon defining, slips from existence. A blink of Shiva’s eye. The world seems stunningly precise, even if it doesn’t exist. Discuss.
Aquarius- You’ve missed my point once again, so open up your reading ears this time, will ya? While there are large principles at work, that mold our collective values, beliefs as well as our need for greed, speed, money, capitalism and oreo cookies; there are smaller forces at work in our very diverse global system that are beyond our current definitions, and certainly beyond our ability to pro- or pre- scribe any truly advantageous solution. Revolution is sometimes necessary, but a successful one has a clear goal in mind. Consider what you envision as your end result before you start making signs or agreeing with the logic of outrage, which I cannot deny is a valid emotion. The world is simply not as simple as hang the rich and feed the poor. If the meek inherit anything, it will likely be an ensuing generation of egos bent on building monuments and praise toward uneven psychology. Before we jump off the cliff, let’s you and I take deep breath and continue doing what we do best: figuring out how everything works (including yourself which is arguably the perfect micro that will serve as a bridge to the macro), and then we’ll tinker, futz, and revolt. One idea can change the world.
Pisces- Your spiral staircase makes my head, ass and joints hurt every time I tumble down it. Your attic, where you insist the rent is cheap, is musty and riddled with the ghosts of people who tried to contain you, box you in some ergonomic fashion, according to their feelings about you. Or rather their feelings of inadequacy that they projected onto you, perhaps in the hopes of sparing themselves yet more humiliation at the hands of a loved one, whom they probably worshipped and modeled themselves after, until they were betrayed by them. Your attic screams are from another time, and I don’t know how you can hear anything in there. Your trick staircase is only designed to keep people out. Ditch it and travel down the spiral and come out and play. All the world is green again and has been waiting for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment