Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                

Aries-  There’s this Happy Days episode where Fonzie, in order to prove his coolness or dick size, whatever, has to catch 40 quarters off his elbow with one arm, same hand, whatever. 40 quarters. For a show about the fifties made in the seventies, it still held some relative neato-ness. And Fonzie, played by an Italian looking Jewish guy, totally nailed it, and won the bet or the contest, whatever. Aaaaaaaaaa, indeed. So basically a roll of quarters, you catch it and you look cool. Here’s your mission, and I know you like to be dared, is to whip it out, shoot yourself out of a cannon, get ballsy, whatever. This pissing contest is yours. It’s time to whip out your junk, or your loose change, or a rodeo lariat, whatever. Go now.

Taurus- HULK SMASH is your power phrase of the week. To explicate, the Hulk is that big green monster that smashes stuff. And he’s unbeatable. Everything you throw at him makes him stronger. He can kick anyone’s ass because the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets, until he probably eats the universe or crushes all physical reality into tiny balls, which he then juggles comically—no subtle way of telling you who’s boss. HULK SMASH. You have the power of Greyskull times infinity. Any hindrance, any unwanted habit, any obstacle that’s been taunting you with degrading expletives are now yours to HULK SMASH. GO NOW.

MAKE YOUR ENVIRONMENT A PRODUCT OF A BETTER YOU.

Gemini- You are entirely fictional and I don’t believe you exist. It’s not possible to hold a grail so exquisite as the wine you must hold in yours, making your breath elysian and sweet and seductive all at once. Your technology is so advanced that to me, it appears to be magic. Your moving parts are synonymous with the elusive and other worldly and the aphroditean. You’re a good witch from another dimension, made of vibrato strings, energetic and flexible like yarn, when woven into mesh, reality, flesh, cosmos, atoms and space and a matrix that allows us dimension. Damn. You’re awesome. And you smell great—way to go!

Cancer- You have a 50-50 chance of being perfectly successful. However, the odds are 38 to 1 that you will be taken on a fictional helicopter ride around an island like Where The Wild Things Are. Nevertheless, there is a 83% chance that the end result will be fireworks and celebratory wine orgies in Sonoma, with galas and fetes with you as the honoured guest—yeah, even with british spelling…and monkeys, and real silver ware, and robots serving food and everyone is equal and we can live the Roddenberry future which is the multiverse-given right of any living sentient, free to become anything we can imagine—endless power. You are destined to be 1,000,000,000,000googolplex% successful to the power of 10. Go now. 

Leo- Barack Obama is a Leo. But let’s backtrack and see how we got here. Reagan was an Aquarius and a showman; Bush I is a Gemini, smart and conniving; Clinton is a Virgo, the emotional intellectual; Bush II a Cancer, cautious and scuttling; and then we get to Leo, the leader, the king of the freaking jungle, who has been self charged with bringing all the prides back into a state of something less than complete inter-societal opposition and illogical chaos. The most powerful predator can bring everyone into his fold—so to speak, and hopefully he won’t have to eat to many of them. Roar.

Virgo- You might be the sign who can ride this train. Nixon, Capricorn. Ford, Cancer. Carter, Libra. Reagan, Aquarius. Bush I, Gemini. Clinton, Virgo. Bush II, Cancer. Obama, Leo. The Cancer healed the Capricorn’s indiscretions. Libra gets upstaged by an Aquarius. Gemini inherits but gets stuck in a post 80’s morass. Then Clinton--the emotional intellectual fueled by youth and vigor and saxophones takes over. Then trepidation, the digital age, the complete restructuring of the former empires, and fear and caution, and greed—greed for new life, and more profits. And after all the chaos, Obama, the Leo, the lion, king of the jungle who can appease all tribes. Hopefully anyway. Point is, think deeper. There is intellectual fodder everywhere.

Libra- I awoke from a dream, seeing your face. My mind was filled with your presence. You smelled of newly opened wine and smoky cheese and nights on verandas—or maybe lanais. Somewhere tropical. Cocoanut. And fresh caught sushi that tastes like life, raw, like eating what actually is the now. Caressing and warm equatorial breezes that exist only to fuel your own total evolution. Ripe fruit everywhere, and no one to disturb the liberation of verdant rock and/or rolla that your hippie hula hips sway so smooth. Sure, that was just a dream in my weird head, but you—you’re the real deal. Your spirit is the ocean and the atmo. I just thought you should know how others see you. In the next mirror you find, look beyond the frame.

Scorpio- I think time is a confusing concept for you, if I may explicate my posit: Scorpios are not obsessed with death, as have been reputed, but rather you are obsessed with rebirth. Transition, from one form to another, as is the constant nature of the multiverse, which apparently pervades everything that we “are”. You naturally live in more than one realm, on some conscious level, or maybe that you’re more aware to the other levels in a conscious way. If there is no end to anything, and we just keep going, in some other form, format, inkling, gestation, fiery rebirth, exploding into other branes as if nothing happened at all, like the blink of an eye with telescopes going in all directions. Multi dimensional eagle eyed, you are.

Sagittarius- Eyes developed and evolved because of darkness. There’s something profound in that, I hope to convince you of anyway. When I think of Sag’s, I think about light. The symbolism of the arrow and the target and the eagle eye—these things require light, and the ability to utilize that light to advantage. Out of the darkness of nighttime and oceanic abysses and the need to see to eat, to live, to protect, to ensure future generations of a strong genomic wagon train that’s headed west. Point is, find your light. It’s waiting for you to make use of it.

Capricorn- Imaginatively pragmatic and secretly hedonistic, you fucking Caps. Okay, so let’s start with Nixon, born Jan 9, a total Capricorn. Brilliant, secretive, plotting, comfortable with power, patient, concise…and he took over power from a Virgo who had to heal the nation and free the oppressed…and then Nixon had to finish a war with ostensibly the Soviets, that the French had colonially screwed up, and probably taking a lesson from Lincoln by ratcheting up the war, unfortunately committing good money after bad. Caps have a great understanding of structure and how things work—which gives them the patience to wait for certain gears to move and rubrics to run their natural Rube Goldbergian courses and then act with assassin ninja star throwing capabilities. God damned goats.

Aquarius- Ronald Reagan was an Aquarius. And while most Aquarii lean toward the liberal end of the political spectrum, let’s chat without judging re legacy. First of all, he was an actor…in the same Aquarian guise as the likes of fellow Aquarii Paul Newman, James Dean, and Alan Alda. We may not like it, but we are adept at crowd sourcing. We can gather people around us, despite our isolative tendencies. Strange juxtaposition, yes/no? And usually we do both simultaneously---remain aloof while surrounded by people, faces, egos, emotions, fates, pathologies, habits, entrails yearning to be free, whatever—it may feel foreign, but now is the time for outreach and merging of spirit. Breathe easy, and love actually.

Pisces- There have been four Pisces US presidents. You guys get credit for the head honcho--Washington. Nice. Then Jackson, who ought to be your hero, if you would just do some research. Bold choices, friend. Anywho, also James Madison—War of 1812, White House down and his wife saving artwork—very heroically intellectual. And then Cleveland…Yay…? Only president to be elected twice non-consecutively. Weird. Also won the popular vote 3 times. Neat. Point is, that you fill the power vacuum at interesting times--the beginning, even though you’re the end of the zodiac; you’re the Manifest Destiny OG. Take the space between us and fill it up some way. You’re great at that.