Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries-  My Grandmother was an Aries—April 2. And my memories of her are mostly from the 1970’s when the Pants was but a young pup. And these memories of her are fairly detailed and yet—-a part of that past me, the 4-7 year old me knew her…but… I don’t really know her. She existed, out of sync with my now adulterated understanding of people and places and stuff. She had a whole life, forever unknown to me, starting in Cincinnati of all places---and yet her genetic influence on me is immense, in ways I’ll never know. Deep shite. I suggest you go meditate now. Breathe deep and freely. And stop looking for it—it’ll happen when you stop looking.

Taurus- I suggest you breathe deep and freely. Ruminants like you need cud to chew, as well as a constant vigilance. Look, sorry—you were born under a sign depicted by an actual animal, not too far afield from ourselves—the main difference being the whole carnivorous schism…my point is, is that yes, there are a certain amount of dangers in society at large that one should always be concerned about, like cheetah attacks for example---probably better to be prepared , ya never know—back to the point is, is that breathe…deeply…relax….the mountain you climb is homeward bound…no need to ‘wish you were’….you are homeward bound…where your love lies waiting silently for you, with fresh cookies.

Gemini- Sure, I geek out over certain things… for example, classical bas relief sculptures of ancient greek porn---but regarding stamps---I couldn’t give even one shit. I mean sure, there’s probably some interesting factoids about them that the Pants would find quasi interesting, like that to this day, England is the only country that doesn’t put the name of the country on the stamp. All they do is put an image of the reigning monarch, and since the sun never sets on the british empire—oh wait, never mind. I don’t dislike stamps. I just don’t care. My radar will not detect stamps. All that nonsense said, push to the side the stuff that just doesn’t matter—get to the real, the nitty, the gritty, and the shite that’s on your plate. Be the now.

Cancer- There may or not be cloud gods chasing, cumulonimbusing and spreading weird green light throughout your hood. And, the tough love is that you’re going to have to be the one to come out from under it. Yeah, it’s a lobstrosity, but it’s not yours and all you have to do is walk away. The clouds and your usually sunny disposition are mutually exclusive—that is to say: 1) Hey, you, get off of my cloud. 2) You don’t need clouds, your plants have had plenty of rain. 3) If you choose, you’ll be able to see all obstacles in your way, and thus—avoid them. It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day. Just walk outside, you’ll see…

Leo- This year, your birthday time is buffered betwixt two Aquarius full moons. You’re protected on all sides by a warped and internecine trapezius Möbius strip-- and also by justice and honesty, no matter how painful--a world without sin, a future that will unfold as your leonic mane in a stiff wind, foretelling ominous changes in the ecological landscape of the future. That’s why Lions are kings of jungles---they can see the future…And Leo is the embodiment of such concepts—ROAR, dude…ROAR. And happy birthday, you handsome bastard.

Virgo- I’ve switched officially from between to inbetwixt®. And anyone who opposes me, I will strike down with not really furious anger, but more like silly tickle fun---my wallet doesn’t say ‘bad ass mother fucker’ on it… So…inbetwixt® is now officially a word. Also, I own it. Trademark, etc. As a sidenote, I also declare the official pronunciation of Los Angeles should include a super hard G, as if we invented our own Cali accent, originating in the 1930's. Inbetwixt® implies a certain vaguery and disposition towards a non committal agenda. Inbetwixt®. My point is? My point is, is that the truth you seek lies in the internecine world inbetwixt® our eyes and our intentions.

Libra- According to the Hoyle of duos, there must be ‘at least’ 50 ways to leave your lover. A certain Simon, however, mentions only 5 of the 50, implying I guess that there are at least 45 more ways to leave your lover, which remain unmentioned. She said, “I’D LIKE TO HELP YOU IN YOUR STRUGGLE TO BE FREE—THE PROBLEM IS ALL INSIDE YOUR HEAD”. And I’d like to help YOU in your struggle to be free….as long as free doesn’t mean you isolate yourself to the point where intellectualism destroys the genetical requirement towards id and happy and food, and survival sans needlessly cruel caveats. This week’s shite be deep …count to 50, and breathe til you smell the free.   

Scorpio- The wiring in my apartment is pre-war. Crimean, I think. Point is, I share this porch light with my next door neighbor, that both apartments have a controlling switch to. And if one switch is on and the other switch also goes on, circuits get blown. Now, as in any relationship, there are terms and conditions that ideally create balance. After much cud chewing, I realized that I would rather flip my switch and leave it on, and foot the bill for it's constant shine, because it's just easier-- less headache I guess, but hey, where's the equanimity, the camaraderie, the shared-- ah screw it, I'll flip my switch. Bear in mind that the channel of least resistance does not mandate that you bear any burden. You are not the victim, but rather the vixen. You're a minx with an alley cat's stare, desperate perhaps, but ultimately, world-wise and fresh from forests of azure with a powerful hankering for the god tuna® and some sweet sweet catnip.

Sagittarius- I can smell your instinct right now. You want to burn it all down...and I totally get that. Sometimes, a good bonfire is a moral imperative. And while THE DOCTOR DOES NOT RECOMMEND ARSON, metaphorically, it is time to kindle an old idea into flame, and hence--rebirth. Phoenix from the ashes and whatnot---metaphorically---burn this. Burn this thing with a magnifying glass focusing the photons of a thousand suns. Not because it didn't happen, but because its time to catch the next train, and move on and into the next field. Find your brane, then find your feet. I suspect that occasionally, you enjoy walking through fire. Light it up.

Capricorn- Recently, I traveled futurewise and attended my own funeral. Yeah, a bit egocentric, but very revealing. Then I went to the birth of my great great grandchild, Eggbert J. McTurd—in the future the name Eggbert totally becomes cool again, fyi. He’s a surprisingly beefy bastard, considering his genetics. And it turns out that in 2111, he unites the tribes of what's left of Asia after the giant exploding cow cataclysm of 2107. Next stop, the super distant future where I return from the dead and start a band called Turd Pants!, which of course becomes all the rage for like seven minutes. I also saw your future---and it’s weirder than mine. Expect the unexpected---impossible I know—put a better way, let your mind go, and your body will follow.

Aquarius- Whilst we’re still in the internecine space between two Aquarius full moons (barely halfway btw), and I hope you’re still continuing to selfishly work on and through your innards. (read Aries for a further discussion btw). Anyhoo, betwixt® as we are, here we stand at the next precipice in our journey! And despite our brilliant minds, no one chooses when. Yes, its a continuum, but one that will most likely end for us whenever it’s time. Time! Amidst your innards is a need for release. No, not a massive BM, but rather a metaphorical one. There’s no point to storing feelings simply because there’s no reasonable outlet. You need one. Go now find reasonable--there’s three weeks left of the me-us-now time.

Pisces- Even an egalitarian hierarchy (such as ours), would do better to elect leaders based on their merit, not on their promissory notes and flashy plastic faces. Their merit is often suspect and probably puffed, as in up front monkery®. Offshore accounts hold way too much of our power, brokering monies and treasure, while innocents and those in poverty struggle on the literal battlefield, bleeding and losing limbs, all the while spurring development of new technologies to redress their ill gotten wounds. The future will do little to improve the quality of life, unless those in power wield swords, not of greed, but of empathy---not socialism, but rather teaching others to fish. You, you Pisces—you know much about fishing and angling. Get the ship ready, Captain. We need you.