Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- You have what the French refer to as an idée fixe. Pretty much exactly what it sounds like, verily close to ‘idea fix’, or a fixed idea, or an obsession, or compulsion, maybe a fetish, a fancy or a monkey, possibly a penchant, a preoccupation, a proclivity or propensity, a monkey, a crush, a craving, a yen even…wait---a passion!, a monomania, an axe to grind, revenge to be tasted cold----and it is very cold in space, Kirk--also an Aries btw and fyi. My point is, is that 1) don’t denigrate the Shatner---we mock what we pretend we do not understand and 2) revenge is served cold because it’s empty, especially if the Sword of Damocles is pointed at your own head. Solution: choose differently, choose to reward yourself this one time. Oh, and look towards a different fire and read Sagittarius.

Taurus- Believe the Pants on this one: knowing anything about the future, or even detailed knowledge of the present and its very likely outcomes and progressions, is a weighty burden. The Taurean intelligence is of a different forging---the way metal becomes alloys, and gets folded in on itself, repeating cohesion and homogeneity by forcing certain earth elementals to merge with one another….And now, the world seems to be ruled by air. Even the high altitude climate that you’re genetically accustomed seems mixed with strange gases, possibly of noble nomenclature, but some strange at average earth temperature like fluorine---what is that anyway? My point is, is that you are ‘versed in the present—know your strength and exploit it to your benefit. Climb on air as if it were craggy pinnacles.

Gemini- You are blessed with the following math, or rubric, or matrix---no capitalized metaphor intended: you possess the kind of intelligence that is at least partially defined by literal processing speed. You’re no Aquarius like the Doc Pants here, but still, I know when I meet you that Gemini’s have a very high processing rate when it comes to information. Your neurons are lightning fast, and somehow not detached from your emotions. The Doc is super impressed with you folk. So…every second our minds and bodies take in information, from temperature to time of day to why is that person looking at me in such an odd way? I remembered to put pants on right? Know this: even sans pants, you rock the casbah, and then some. 

Cancer- Congratulations! You are nigh to embarking on a ruritanian romance sexy time adventure like you’ve never believed possible previously to this posting! Btw, a ruritanian romance is a romance story set in an imaginary foreign country, a device which allows to the author to make broad parallels spread ‘cross a landscape of her/his own design, to make what the french call ‘ le point du l’auteur’. Anyhoo, your ruritanian romance will be quite real, so you’ll have to write the story of it later. Presently your presence is requested on Track 9.75. Don’t hesitate! Adventure and love in Freedonia await!

Leo- Okay, you and I—we’re invincible. Pistolas y Rosas. Yes, and it is fantastically splendid. And not to burst any bubbles, but an intellect such yours is probably already aware that no person can predict all outcomes—currently anyway. Isaac’s psychohistory is still centuries away. My point is, is that there will always be math beyond your ken. Even me---the Doc Pants, has to admit that there are matrices above my pay grade. Math, like marmots, evolves-- it changes over time. And maybe that’s why we’ve evolved to a point where we can assign value to things such as justice, purity, infinite you-niqueness®, transcendence, & uniquity®. For now, don’t get cocky and keep thinking you’re invincible, it’s good for the soul. Roar.

Virgo- The Integratron is your power structure for the week. It’s a perfectly acoustic wooden dome built in Landers, Ca by George Van Tassel, after speaking to an alien from Venus that woke him up one night to tell him the secrets of rejuvenation for the human body. 1) why would a Venusian know anything about that? 2) yes, George was probably bipolar 3) Howard Hughes even put some money into it 4) if you go in there, you will be treated to a sound bath---no joke, and you will arrive at an enlightened state, in which you will understand both anti gravity and time travel. This is the real mccoy, man. I suggest you do some research on the Van Tassel, and possibly visit the dome. Tours run daily from 10pm to 6am. Also, happy birthday times, you old rascal.

Libra- Posit: occasionally things just click. Case in point, recently I was walking from the laundromat to the adjacent post office, which is usually a weekly occurrence, and I see this late 50’s guy, kind overweight, big breezy bright orange Hawaiian shirt—I took note of the fellow thinking, what’s his story? On the way back I saw him again, this time he was sitting in presumably his old beat up Chevy van that probably had a small beer fridge and skull bong in the back, and he’s just playing on a guitar. And I thought, you know—occasionally things just click. You’ll know it when you feel it. And if you see the bizarro Jimmy Buffet, say hi from the Doc Pants.

Scorpio- I cannot make this shit up: Typhon was known to the Greeks as the Father of all monsters. His human torso was a large as the sky and his head was not a head, but a horde of dragons, while his lower half consisted of gigantic viper coils. Oh, and fire came out of all the dragons’ eyes, so I guess--look the fuck out, right? Don’t piss of the guy with fire spouting reptiles for a head. So Zeus then imprisons the Titans---basically Typhon’s gang of horrible monsters, and after much god vs giant monster bloodletting, Zeus defeats Typhon, and traps him underneath Mt. Etna, which still spouts off even to this day. My point is? It’s that we bury the monster and then its presence is only occasional and hopefully not life threatening. Take this metaphor for a ride in your mind.

Oh, and uh, Jay--read Pisces.

Sagittarius- Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit is your Latin power phrase for the week. And it involves something which you aged fire signs are good at shaping---the future. It seems like you forge the future you desire out of the act of combustion, like dragonbreath, or yogi fire breathing, producing outcomes out of sheer willpower and strength of soul. And best of all, your fire is white and cleansing, as opposed to black and destructive---you are constructive fire. Not destruction, but creation. Like the singularity between an alleged god and Adam’s finger tip. You’re the moment of creation, inspiration and idea formation. Go boldly. Be first and unafraid.  

Capricorn- Okay, so--there’s a dead man’s switch on a dead man’s chest and before you’re the dead man walking, I want you to take a deep breath, maybe even 11 or 12 of them and realize that this is YOU breathing. Then, pull yourself up by bootstraps or tighty whities or whatever you can grab hold of, and with all your might, shove on the other end of this bookcase, and then I’ll block the bookcase with my body. At the same time, a supersonic bullet train leaves Des Moines at around 11:30 travelling at like a billion miles per hour, with a dining car with a four star chef--not the best, but they have a full bar. The question is thusly: Does everything have to have an answer? Does everything have to get to a point? Do points actually exist? And what is the inverse of a point—a black hole? A singularity of infinite smallness, as to possibly give birth to another ‘verse, maybe just one string on down the line? I dare you to ponder that shite.

Aquarius- Your proper nomenclature for the week is hold fast to the following dimensional proportions—1 : 4 : 9, aka the squares of the first three integers, or 1, 2, 3. And this is just the start of the series btw. The list of integers is way long--ergo and down the line, there are more dimensions and proportions to fill out. And hey, whoa—even the Doc Pants doesn’t know what string 438 to the power of 2 consists of---Altho if I had to guess, it’s probably just like the 1 : 4 : 9 that we experience now, but just a little bit off center and towards the left. So…start of with the first three, then ease your way into four. Stretching your thinking into the next dimension can be a bumpy ride.

Pisces- Before the Pants is deposed and derided as a false prophet of science, let me explicate my meaning: science does not negate god, nor does it negate the possibility of a god, or some metaphor for god, a not yet discovered way of thinking about god---I mean c’mon! We’re only so far along the long arm of time and evolution of tangentially thinking primates—what the frak do we know? Imagine a larger scale, where we are 8 year olds in our own young galaxy of teenagers and adults and middle agers and seniors. In map language, ‘you are here’. Where ‘god’ is, is ‘way the frak over there’. Oh, and btw, even god may not have all the answers. But don’t fret the complex shite. Hold fast to the now times that are in your face. It’s perfect to be here, right now. Possibly, choose not to decide.