Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horrorscopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                       

Aries-  Today, the Pants would like to address your need for speed. Posit: the first amoebic life moved pretty slow and not very far, then evolution speeds up and makes bigger faster creatures, then meteoric apocalypse, then new life, then some massive tectonic movements and more meteors, then more new life—all on a massive geologic time scale, centuries upon centuries, till the more or less now time, with mammals and relatively fast running speeds, quad- and bi- pedalism and such, and then we tame the horse—we move faster still, and then trains, and then cars, and then rockets and bullet trains, and hopefully faster than light travel is just around the proverbial corner. What will the scenery look like when we can go faster than the light that we interpret reality through? The world moves pretty fast. Take a sec to look out your window and catch your breath.

Taurus- The best kind of hero is both unlikely and unexpected. Just bring me a messiah or whoever the frak is going to show up and tell us the meaning of all of this, so we can just move on with our lives! He/she’s gotta be strong and gotta be fast and gotta be fresh from the fight. Why? Because the world is a mess, a disaster, an overpopulated unmitigated Hesperusian wreck---especially if you watch cable news. The ship’s going down, so find an escape pod or a bed to hide under because the fiery demons of disorder and hell are---Wait, wtf? No way Jose…this time you should be your own messiah, your own hero, your own soldier of light atop a blazing steed who’s gonna take the bad guy out and shellac the crap out of his oversized hubris and overly small genitalia. It’s you time. Go now.

Gemini- Not to alarm anyone, but considering pov, there may be time travelers all ‘around’ us. It’s not a matter of strings or new timelines, but rather from where our seat of consciousness sits. However you get there, via faster than light travel or transport via wormhole, you have moved A to B. However, all the rest of the junk has moved x y and z in relative position to that other globule of matter known as a galaxy that has also moved, especially from its own pov. Shit…that implies that the number of pov's is infinite---whether you’re a human or star or a bag of mixed nuts---there’s infinite amounts of us. We’re not on different timelines, as much as we are separated infinitively across infinity. My point is? My point is, is that what you don’t believe you can see—may be right here, right now, right in front of and all ‘around’ you. Employ your third eye. Go now. 

Cancer- Your mythical power animal of the week is a gryphon. Yep, you’re half eagle and half lion, king of the land and commander of the skies. I don’t know how your parents got together, but the result is impressive. I’m not saying that there’s some upcoming event that will require super abilities to solve, but rather that you would benefit from thinking of yourself as the merging of two great powers, two apexes of evolutionary strength, both different, both separate and equal, competing at times for the same prey, but never with the same tactics. You carry the blessings of different super powers, celestial twin towers, grace with a killer instinct.

Leo- Your secret power jewel of the week goes like this: in Scorcese’s Departed, Matt Damon gets a graduation gift from Nicolson, and from our angle we don’t get to see what the gift is, we just see Damon’s reaction to it. What’s in the box?? It’s a secret between those two guys, not even the audience gets to know what it is, but it means something because Damon does this look, like it’s got some irony to it, like it’s personal---like Terentino’s briefcase that lights up. Yes, odds are it’s a cell phone, but our imagination is far loftier. Anyhoo, your incoming gem is mysterious and unknown to the mortal world. When you see it, don’t share it—this gift is for your consciousness only. Tell no one.

Virgo- For your ‘scope this week, I turn it over to the more prosaic words of the great Joss Whedon: ‘Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse... but you take a boat in the air that you don't love... she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down... tells you she's hurting before she keels. Makes her a home.’ Now, I don’t know if the boat is literal or figurative, but there’s a water/space craft in your near future. Don’t fear the ocean. Just trust in your boat. Make her a home. Oh, and happy birthday times, you rapscallion juggernaut monster love maker. We’re all counting on you.

Libra- Your power 80’s movie power nugget of the week looks like this: in Back to Future III, in order to explicate some time related shite that’s due to hit your face in the near soon times, and while you can’t really prepare for the unexpected, maybe a little heads up on your back side radar will prove useful...Anyhoo, Doc Brown meets Clara because a snake startles her horse and it charges for the ravine, and the Doc saves her. The snake is the progenitor of all the ensuing action—not the ruse about Buford and his horse throwing a shoe. A minor, seemingly random script element is actually the cause of everything, in this case it’s the open door that love takes when you meet what you’ve been wanting all along. Fear no snakes, and at valley’s end, you’ll find both light and your love a-waiting.

Scorpio- The farther we get from any era in history, say the old American west for example, the more we will dissociate from direct knowledge of that time--our depictions and understanding of that old west will be more and more inundated with current pov's and ideas about what life was like, in a time without photography, without planes and smog and satellites and running water and annoying people on cell phones and fast food loaded with antibiotics and nitrates—at least they had trains I guess. You are currently in a phase where your memory of old olden times may be slipping into the fog of past wars. Yet fret nary a whit—ka is a wheel, and things may yet spin that way again—the new old west awaits. Ride on.

Sagittarius- I don’t want to alarm you, but this week you will find it necessary to fight a bear. Might be a brown or a black one, it may be a grizzly---it may also be a metaphorical bear, which is more likely since you live in a city. Migrating to the cities, finding jobs and apartments and river with fish to eat is difficult for our ursine brothers. Anyhoo, don’t panic. No bear has a chance against you. The bear is probably in your mind, and you should know that all you have to do to sidestep the bear is: A) stop believing in it or, more likely B) run straight at it with all your fierceness and it will scamper back forest way like a scared chicken. This week, fear no bear. And maybe charge right at someone’s hubris—they will not stand.

Capricorn- Your obscure power figure of speech for the week is the synecdoche. Literally, it means a small piece of the larger thing that represents the whole, or vice versa. Like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle represents the whole, even though the whole must contain all those pieces to be considered one thing. Things are often made up of smaller things—building blocks of atoms and the subatomic and the Higgs Field and whatnot. You are not just you. A) You are a piece of a much bigger entity. B) You are made up of little tiny pieces of energy that coalesce in the now time, which feels very real and singular. Oh, and C) You are the synecdoche, the absurdly big and the infinitely small that make up one thing—the now you. Fer sure, deep shite, take a breather and focus your corporeal self. Connect the synecdochal dots and an image will appear.

Aquarius- Only you, my aquarius brained brethren, are big enough to handle this shite: your obscure power phrase of the week is the following: mutatis mutandis, which means change only those things which need to be changed. It’s like an old school metaphor. This thing is to that thing, with a small exception or two. Like, my car is like your car except that mine is red and yours is blue. That and mine is way messier—filthy actually, I’m not proud of that. Anyhoo, some aquarii change faster than others, but we all want it, usually the more the better—helps to keep things interesting. And specifically right now, I feel that we need a real game changer---just bear in mind you don’t need to change everything. Just change the necessary. Everything else will follow along the usual synecdochean® lines.

Pisces- Your power fish of the week is the puffer fish. Congratulations. You have scored some authentic underwater wackiness. Get this: to attract females for naked fish sexy time, the male makes what looks like an underwater crop circle in the sandy bottom of open ocean. These shapes resemble something like a mandala, and the females like to lay their eggs in the center of the circle, I guess when you’re out in the open ocean, it looks like a big nice comfy bed. Not only did the fish evolve the ability to make such designs, but the females evolved the ability to recognize a specific pattern in the vast stretches of sandy ocean bottom. Look for something cozy in the sandy bottom—you’ll recognize it on sight.