Dr Pants McTurd's
More Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!
♈ Aries –The upcoming
week full of casually waning mellow yellow moons and as of the 23rd,
a languid month long excursion into the sexually active summer seas of a
Virgoian sun—Virgin sun, no that can’t be right, but it is implied—all the
feelings of exploration, the ripeness of the impending harvest, peaches so
perfect and juicy that you’ll need a nap right after, then raid the fridge and
eat some more peaches. Shall you dare to eat a peach? Yes, have some—TS Eliot
had a pitted fruit phobia that influenced much of his work—rarely are skies so
refulgently full of unexpected fortune, as Leo fire becomes Virgo earth, which
feeds us all. Find some trees and breathe and be happy you’re loved.
♉ Taurus –Whatever or whoever popped into your
existence, like a flatulent fairy floating your way, under last weekend’s full
moon in Aquarius, has probably resulted in a sea change, but the swells are
calming and the skywalking lion is almost done with the Sun, who gets to
rejuvenate and repose under a sweet smelling Virgo sun starting on the 23rd.
And as a welcome precursor and omen of good times, Mercury moves into the
Virgin on the 15th. Virgin earth is wet and ripe with an impending
harvest. It’s high time to eat peaches, make peace with the sea, for summer’s
lease hath all too short a date. The Dr Pants’s advice is this and should be
followed exactly: 1. Get some fruit, and probably some booze, 2. Shower, and 3.
Have your lover or lovers feed you the fruit and booze from step 1, then 4.
Steer the car towards pleasure town and settle in. Summer, easy livin’, and etc.
♊ Gemini –Sometimes, you
get an Aquarius full moon under a Leo Sun, and things get weird—even for an
adaptable Gemini personage such as yours, and some shite that sure looks like
shit sure seems to have hit the proverbial fan, wafting poop smell thru out the
living room of one’s normally mindful existence. Yet fret nary, for as of the
15th, little fireball Mercury moves into Virgo, cools its heels, yet
nearing top speed, and jazzing up your foyer for a Virgo Sun party on the 23rd,
when all will be forgiven by the Virgin—right before we harvest her goodies and
eat peaches and plums til our lips are permanently stained with the orgy of
calmer seas, that undertake us, and remove summer’s inherent fire in favor of
lighter fare, easier moments, and heart to heart tête-à-têtes.
♋ Cancer –After last
week’s storm inducing Aquarius full moon and Leo Sun, the Dr Pants officially
endorses a well earned vacation, away from the battered coast, maybe floating,
enisled yet enabled to travel and to be free, awash in the calm open summer sea
that seems to roll on for an infinity, maybe even three. Btw, an incoming Virgo
Sun and four weeks out, a friendly Pisces full moon—quieted waters perfect for
reflection under calm minds, free of tidal bulge and bilge, calm after the
storm, the Crab is a butterfly afloat on a breeze that crosses waters upon
waters til a land with a more serene scene can oversee our evolutionary tree.
Restitch your sail, find the wind, and let’s roll, baby...
♌ Leo –Wow, you put a
Leo Sun together with an Aquarius full moon, and suddenly there are parts of
last weekend that seem too absurd to be true, like that one Twilight Zone with
the guy who bought a paper and the coin he tossed, landed on its edge, and all day
he could hear other people’s thoughts, and somehow he knew it was the coin, but
when he goes back to the newstand, some other jerk tosses a coin and knocks his
off its edge, and the esp—kaput, gone, doneskies like so much brownie batter,
regardless of warnings against eating products containing raw egg. The Dr Pants
is not saying, stop the birthday parties—hells, no! but we are slip sliding
towards a Virgin Sun in about a week, so the Dr Pants is saying to leave a
trail of empty booze bottles so we can find our way back to a lush and reasonable
earth. Happy birthday times, you jungle king, you top shelf carnivore, you beautiful
beastie. Hot damn, you’re good lookin’!
♍ Virgo –Celestial virgins,
hearken! You have but one week left! Til our fiery Leo Sun leaves the leonine
mine field of just desserts and slips into the moist folds of a virgin
continent, untouched Virgo land, where we’ve yet to terraform, where we’ve yet
to intervene globally and alter our futures unpredictably & irrevocably by
burning and fracking and devouring whatever makes us go faster, increasing the
differences between generations at a exponential pace, until we won’t recognize
society because it just moves too darn fast for me to give a shit, and sure,
maybe the Dr Pants is endorsing a thoughtful retreat into the jungles, a re-training
of your wicked citified ways, out there, lost in the absolute, far away from
the travails of humankind. One week til your birthday times—plan a trip to
whatever you consider the perfect balance between exotic, erotic &
affordable. Find your spirit animal, roam the plains, hunt for pleasure, and
feel at home.
♎ Libra –The sky’s been
afire and aflame betwixt a mad man aquarius full moon, opposite a let’s move it
move it(!) Leo Sun, and recent fireworks suggest that we could really use a
cooling off period—all of us, the Earth needs to reap the warm west winds and
rest on shores safe and unpatronized by bullshite. A tectonic shift—don’t know
if you noticed it, but the Dr Pants felt a celestial graviton wave that had an
exact angle on Earth—just talking physics here, don’t get all pissey—and now
the galaxy wants to shift its weight and gravity and spacetime from Leo, into
the constellation Virgo, and before ye know it, t’will be Libra birthdays and
fun, probably, and woo hoo! It’s a
smooth date shake from here on out, push your Libran scales toward
inexhaustible & unrepentant first amendment rights.
♏ Scorpio –Recent hyper
tidal activity, due to a full moon in Aquarius—known scofflaw and philosopher
of flatulence—Scorps may have felt a little sea sick—yes, even a wanton scaly
ocean beastie like yourself may have heaved your lunch overboard—the moon’s
gravity btw doesn’t just affect the oceans, it actually makes the earth bulge
as it goes around us—the Earth has a tidal bulge, and full moon time it works
in opposition to the Sun’s gravitational effect on us, creating its own tidal
bulge btw, so between Leo and Aquarius, much treasure was spilt into the wide
Sargasso, the flotsam of dreams. But soon, less fire, more earth and water—the
next full moon in Pisces—your irksome aquatic and constellular pal. The harvest
will be sumptuous and slow, just the way you like it.
♐ Sagittarius –The Dr Pants
would really like to tell you that the next month is all sushi and sake every
nite, and fishing and drinking all day long, and pleasant sea breezed naps in
between. He really really would, but—wait, wait, this is just coming in now, as
the Dr Pants types this… yes, okay then, over and out. Oh, sorry back to you—irony
of ironies, apparently Murphy and his bullshite laws are out with the gout, so
the Dr Pants is fully authorized to tell you what seemed so distant just a few
sentences back—due to an impending Virgin Sun, the next month is all sushi and sake
every nite, and fishing and drinking all day long, and pleasant sea breezed
naps in between. Last week was rough—find your breath, find your beach, and
reap the restorative west winds.
♑ Capricorn –Aquarius full
moon and a Leo sun burning like a celestial cat-like conflagration, made for
some wacky endings to last weekend, no? Post storm, the current skies are
slowing easing themselves away from the unexpected whimsy of sporadic genius
mixed with fire that’s infinitely amorous and always in the mood for something
untested, untried and under utilized. Now, we’re a week away from a Virgin Sun
in a fellow and gentler earth sign, even Mercury’s in Virgo as of the 15th,
so conversations big, small and erotically irreverent may transpire sans
rhetoric and avec passionate empathetic orgasmic mind cuddling. For now, hold
your fire, listen to some RUSH, and get your trunks out, cause damn the
drought, we’re going to the water park. Slip slidin’ away…
Aquarius
♒ -Doozy of a full
Aquarius moon last week, ja? The Dr Pants still can’t find his pink parachute pants.
Some big metaphorical swaths of virgin forest fell to the axe, right? The
scenery morphed and distilled to reveal new lands upon disbelieving eyes, like
a tectonic shift under an Aquarian/Leo spell. Earth moved, landscape upheaved,
under the our sagacious Aquarian gaze—4 weeks out, our next full moon miasma is
in Pisces, where all should become clear, or at least more pleasant to the
senses, should you decide to trip. Hint, hint: plan a trip, somewhere free of
poisonous pedantry and unenlightened entanglements, clear your mind, and camp
out—find calm and the future you will see.
♓ Pisces –Shite is about
to go boomskies, so pour yourself a fish sized shot of Rumplemintz and drop the
party poopers off at the pool, but first a quick astronomical primer on the why,
which the Dr Pants is well aware that Pisces types generally don’t give two
shites about—not that you’re all end justifies the means—it’s just that as of
the 15th, behind the planet Mercury will be the constellation Virgo
for like 3 weeks, as well as in just one week, the Sun will also be in Virgo,
and then shortly after that, there’s a new moon in Virgo, and then bam—two
weeks later, full moon in Pisces! Yeah, boom-skies. Imagine you’re running
towards the longest most awesomest slippery twisty upside down water slide,
that dumps you into a hawaiian alcove, where you belly up to the pool bar and
have cocktails with a tortoise that reveals visions of the future, from which
you can easily avail yourself—just don’t get too wasted on mai tais—don’t
forget what the tortoise says—save you it can. Wheeeeeeee!
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