Dr Pants McTurd's
More Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!
♈ Aries –That elusive rhythm
your mind’s been toying with, a new beat maybe, or a plot device as yet
uninvented & unimagined, that’s been brewing & fermenting inside your
fiery innards, probably full of hops, that will surely cause indigestion—better
out than in, says the Dr Pants. The current astro clime is ripe and rife with
unfettered & unbridled permission for restricted ids to release outdated,
unneccessary and futile excursions the wrong way down one way streets that end
in backwards cul de sacs of infuriating dismal failures. The summer sun is kind
and munificent well into Aug. For now, have some bbq, contemplate Marxism and
the labor you trade for your life and promise of propriety & property. Rest
and find your missing rhythm while it’s omnipresent & undisturbed &
antipodal of the upcoming melee of celestial September shennanigans. Party on,
Garth.
♉ Taurus –The current celestial clime suggests that
you put away your maiden blushes and avouch the thoughts of your heart with the
looks of an empress—or emperor, basically a big kahuna in charge, til at least
the Pisces full moon on the 8th, you should be introducing yourself
right off, as soon as you get somewhere unfamiliar, just put yourself out there
and introduce yourself right off, the party’s been waiting or you, just
introduce yourself right off. Right on! Elsewise no one gets to know you, and
now is the safest time in a long time to dump the load, cleanse your privates,
and release it all back into the ether. Everything is energy in infinite
perpetual motion, so introduce yourself right off!
♊ Gemini –The skies are
currently informing the Dr Pants to inform you, a fellow and truly likeable air
sign, to avail your airy self to all available astro energy, to go to that
special Tristan de Cunha in your
mind. Tristan de Cunha btw, is one of
the most remote inhabited islands in the world, lost somewhere in the south
Atlantic, inhabited by the same families that settled it decades ago—yeah,
fairly incestuous town of 264, with only one road, no air strip, and of
Scottish descent—probably lots of crayfish haggis. Remote is the Dr Pants’s point.
A cleansing Pisces full moon on the 8th will appear & clear foggy
events of recent past. Find your isle, then enisle yourself. Come back when
you’re ready.
♋ Cancer –This week, the
celestial action above us might seem to you like a pleasant serein. Oui, the
french spelling is prettier—serain, or similarly serene. A serein btw is a
gentle rain falling from a clear sky, usually at dusk, when dewpoint and
humidity get it on, meteorologically speaking, and under a cloudless sky a
gentle mist condenses from air, returning to earth afloat on misty diaphanous
wings of gossamer, while the sunset’s last photons hit your face, perhaps
reminding you, yes you there, in the wet t-shirt, that everything is energy, always
moving from one shell, one valence, one chakra to another in patterns we will
ever try to grasp. For now, the sky wants you to practice your sereinity, and
return to your most moist happy place. Sept will be wack—Serenity now.
♌ Leo –Okay, so bullcrap
bullcrap yadda yadda, and there’s a bunch of astrology that promises you some unforseen
treasure, or even that o’er that horizon lay ubiquitous bounty, but only if you
get off your arse and get your bullcrap attitude straight. But the Dr Pants insists,
frak those nabobs and let’s get down to cases and make a case for astronomy and
maybe anthropolgy, and hopefully provable science, & posit thusly: 1) Your
bullcrap attitude is macho and everyone loves it, 2) No mystical energy field
controls your destiny, 3) There’s no such thing as luck. That said, the Dr
Pants insists that the current astro clime tells him that luck, mystical energy
and your own personal brand of bullcrap attitude are what will save any stain
from setting in—at least for the next week, you got magic hands, but only if
you maintain a magic mind and maybe wand.
♍ Virgo –More good news—Virgo
the Virginian, you got the Sun in the constellation Virgo for a while now, so
continued happy birthday times, but you also get Mercury in Virgo til the 2nd.
What does it all mean?? 1) It’s your birthdays, who cares? Pass the bottle. 2) Quick
Merc primer: it goes around the Sun once every 88 days, compared to our 365,
which is why Merc has always been associated with communication—mucho speedy
right, and lucky virgin, you, the thrice yearly Merc retrograde isn’t until
solar Libra—the Dr Pants says, let them deal with it—there’s vestal devirgening
parties to attend! 3) After the 5th, Venus moves into Virgo, which
implies that if you get out of your own way, everything will keep moving your
way. Don’t rock the boat—no pirated attacks til Oct at least. Party on, Garth,
you beautiful bastard, and happy continued birthday times.
♎ Libra –Currently
there’s lots of celestial action in Virgo, which pre-augurs an incoming &
impending solar Libra time and birthdays for the collective lot of you’s. And a
regularly sheduled equinox to boot! But before we get to your party, the sky above
us needs to pass thru the earthy Virgin sun, and emerge, covered in the
loamiest of loam, birthed under the full moon light of a Pisces full moon on
the 8th. Lots of earth and water, occasional mud and mud baths, so
bring boots with ya and a towel to dry off with after a very cleansing hose
down. Currents and climates are shifting with the cooling of the northern hemi,
and Libran transistion is nigh. Sit tight, count your walnuts and meditate on
what you’ll do with all the airy energy coming your way soon. Earth becomes
air.
♏ Scorpio –Celestially
speaking, a water fire sign like yourself should currently be feeling a tingle,
that should be growing in vibrational intensity over the next couple weeks, and
here’s some why: Sun is in the constellation Virgo, arable virgin loamy earth,
squishable between the toes and almost bursting with life, and soon Mars,
planet of the malleable fist will shift to Sag as of the 13th, but
before that a juicy phsycian heal thyself full moon in Pisces on the 8th.
Sept should be funaklicious, but for now, contemplate a communist inspired
Labor Day three day weekend, tend to your needs and feel yourself up. Future
fire water en route. For now, bask, salve thyself & resuscitate.
♐ Sagittarius -Not a
lot of fire in the sky this week, pity for you Sag types, and Mars isn't due to
enter Sagittarius—yes indeed, Woo Hoo!—until the 13th. Most of the
sky is seductive loamy Virgin earth, a few up drafts of allegedly balanced
Libran air, and some sassy Scorpionic malefactors hanging out on the sidelines
hoping for a fair foul ball to snatch up, get autographed and make ten bucks on
eBay. This Labor Day enjoy some BBQ, study some Marxism, and prepare for a Sept
of surprises, replete with topsy tipsy curvy tilt a whirl action that will make
your undergarments moist and full of pep. Rest and regale now, action hero
shite starts in about a week.
♑ Capricorn -The late
summer skies are calm and frothy this week, all pulling and grinding twixt
loamy fertile Vigin earth, allegedly balanced Libran air, and a bit of Scorpionic
fire water thrown in—open air mud baths for everyone! In the meantime, let's
consider Labor Day with all it's end of summer BBQ dreamy drunken pantsless
depravity, and the oft ignored connection to the beginnings of Marxism and
Communism and labor unions and inevitable corruption even amongst those of us
who claim to fight for the rights of the worker—Koch brothers and workers of
the world unite!
No pyramids or other pointless structures need be built this week, save the
ones in your mind that attest to a higher truth. Stray towards the peripatetic,
walkabout the earth, and vision quest.
Aquarius
♒ -The ability of
our signage to get lost attempting to discover and catalogue the endless minutuae
of this ‘verse is both a blessing and a curse, n'es pas? Obsession does not begin to ascribe
the detail we Aquarii deal with, the sheer need to analyze and grok the shite
out of everything we encounter—We must devour with all haste the impassable
mountains of—whoa, nellie!! Apparently the Dr Pants should heed his own
forthcoming advice, which reads thusly: Soon, and with as little planning as
possible, find your weekend escape asap, and go to there, but you must find
something larger than yourself, could be the ocean, or an eagle’s aerie, or the
desert under a waxing moon that’s to be full in Pisces on the 8th,
and dump your load to the stars above. Every brain deserves a respite. Enisle
yourself, and consult the skies.
♓ Pisces –No bullshite,
this time of year is a bitchin’ time to be a Pisces. Consider: behind the Sun
right now is the constellation Virgo, your astro opposite and equal and
often—life partner, the new moon was just recently in Virgo the virginest of
vestals, and on the 8th is your one time per annum full moon in
Pisces, the halfway point of the
entire zodiac, where even non-Virgins can become new again. Whatever you can
think, dream or conjure up might coalesce into reality, so use these two weeks
wisely. It’s all coming up Pisces, and only you can get in your own way of the
ubiquitous treasure that is afoot and underfeet. It’s Virgin earth you stand
on, so—sow those magic beans you been hoarding, for something’s about to
happen—something wonderful, and probably erotic.
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